At the Investor’s meeting yesterday Disney announced that they were turning Disney+ into the Star War/Marvel Channel. Lucasfilm and Marvel looks like they are going to be providing damn near 100% of the original content starting next year.

Lets get this out of the way. I will not be watching all of these damn things. I may watch the first episode of few of them just to make make fun of them. But that’s it.

Here is a list of the upcoming Star Wars shows. From America’s Paper of Record:

  • My 3,000 Lb. Life – An inside look at the triumphs and tragedies of being a body-positive Hutt. Touching and moving.
  • Tatooine’s Got Talent -Watch as the talented acts like Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes and fan-favorite the Max Rebo Band compete until only one is left standing.
  • Better Call Maul – Follow Darth Maul’s post-fall life as a seedy lawyer clawing his way to the top of the exciting Dathomir legal world.
  • 1,000 Ways for Rose Tico to Die – A real crowd-pleaser!
  • Watto and the Tatooine Pawn Stars – Watch as Watto haggles people down, refusing to take Republic credits and making people partake in dangerous spaceship battles to make a deal. “Best I can do is three Huttese truguts.”
  • Meesa Breaking Bad!  Follow Jar-Jar Binks’ post-political life. Down on his luck and without health insurance, Binks is forced to cook Death Sticks to pay his medical bills.
  • This Show Is Just Five Seasons Of Baby Yoda Doing Cute Things – Exactly what it sounds like. Fans are pumped for this one!
  • Naked and Afraid on Hoth – Two contestants are dropped off on the ice planet without clothes or any survival gear in an extreme survival competition. And you thought Tauntauns smelled bad on the outside!
  • The Tauntaun King – Meet an eccentric exotic animal collector and his dramatic wheelings and dealings across the galaxy. The Tauntaun King gets more and more bizarre with each episode!
  • The Great Bothan Bakeoff – Bothans bake things and compete in this light-hearted cooking show. Many Bothans died to bring us these pies.
  • How I Met Your Father – This hilarious sitcom features ghost-Padme as she tells Luke and Leia all the wacky hijinks that led to her marrying the evilest man in the galaxy. It’s a pretty solid show but we’re led to believe the last episode will ruin the whole thing forever.
  • Dirty Jobs with Darth – Follow along as Darth Vader documents the craziest and most dangerous jobs in the galaxy, from keeping rancors and feeding people to sarlaccs to cleaning out the trash compactor on the Death Star.
  • To Catch An SJW – Host Gina Carano entraps and then ambushes whiny Star Wars fans on the internet and confronts them in person. “Why don’t you have a seat right over there?” she says as they drop their soy milkshake in fear.
  • The Masked Bounty Hunter – Every episode has a contest where various bounty hunters show off their killing and capturing skills. The twist is, they’re masked, so you never know who’s under there until they’re voted off! Just don’t vote the Mandalorian off, because if you try to take off his mask, well, you’ll die.
  • Sith Busters – This show will debunk popular Jedi myths and investigate questions like how the heck Rey is so powerful despite never having any formal Jedi training. Sith? Busted!

Okay, fine. These aren’t the actual titles but they might as well be.

I am going to be leaving the words “Star Wars” out of the title of these things. Because I am sick to my heart of typing them and knowing they are going to be attached to something that kind of sucks. Just assume they do… Because they will.

A Droid’s Story: “This epic journey will introduce is to new hero guided by our most iconic duo… on a secret mission known only to them. What could possibly go wrong?”

What could go wrong, is it being made in the first place. If ever there was a stone without a nanoliter of blood left in it, it’s 3PO and R2. That stone is drier than any rational or physical definition of dry possible. 1955 called, they want you to know Lucille Ball said the concept was already dead when she started shooting I Love Lucy.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: The long-delayed because it wasn’t Woke enough but now it apparently is a story of Ben Kenobi… Doing something, somewhere. Look, they haven’t said what it’s about but they’ve roped in Hayden Christensen which would indicate that it takes place before Order 66. Unless of course it takes place afterward and Vader is spending a lot of time with his helmet off. In which case (a) they are doing Vader wrong and (b) Pablo Pascal has even more reason to hate Lucasfilm.

Rangers of the New Republic: This appears to have no plot and no star attached but it is by Favreau and Filoni (whom I shall be calling F&F from now on). So anyway, Flip-n’Fuck are attached to it, so Star Wars fans are REQUIRED to love it.

Visions: This is going to be a bunch of Anime shorts and as such, it is the only thing on this list that has a flicker of my attention.

Ashoka: Starring Rosario Dawson in the title role and a shit-ton of makeup. She will be hunting Grand Admiral Thrawn and being grateful she has a job that pays better than being Corey’s beard.  While I loathe Pablo Pascal, I’m beginning to understand why he was so pissed this season.  Everyone except him was the star of his show this year and they all got to take their helmets off.

The Bad Batch: Some animated Clone Wars spinoff.  It might be a dirty dozen thing or it might not.  I don’t care enough to find out.

Lando:  Oh please, please no!  You guys ruined all of the other first trilogy characters.  Not Lando too.  

It doesn’t star anybody yet. But it is being created by the guy who made Dear White People…  Yeah, that’s what Star Wars was missing all this time.

The Acolyte: This is Leslie Headland’s thing.  The crying guy in the picture thinks it’s about Darth Plagueis and I think Leslie has never heard of him.  She just wanted to create her own show and she had to staple the Star Wars name on it to make it. 

Andor: He. Is. Still. Fucking. Dead.  Nobody is going to want to watch a show about a guy who is dead.  You know how the story ends already.  There is no point in doing this.

Untitled Taika Waititi Star Wars Project:

Rogue Squadron:  This is the film Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins is making as a tribute to her fighter pilot father, who died in the line of duty.  


Wait a minute! Hold on! 

 In theory I like this.  And I deeply resent it.

On that cruel dissapointment, I shall leave you until Monday.

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