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It Came From the Eighties – A Random Horror Listicle

Ah, Horror.  The "lesser genre". Eternally demeaned, abused and snubbed by the elders of the film industry. Yet almost all of the major film makers started out in it.  The only genre that has produced more mainstream directors is no shit porn and I am not kidding about that. Rather than do some best of all time horror movies list  I will just concentrate on the 1980s. The Eighties represent a unique period in the genre.  You can't mistake those films for anything...

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Disney’s Jungle Cruise Tower of Woke (Part One)

REPOST 10/13/2021 There is an old adage in business; talent goes where the money is. There will shortly be a new adage; talent avoids where the Woke is. Google and Amazon became the powerhouses they are today because a generation ago (ouch) they were willing to spend big to get talent. And they got it. It says something about the level of people they were getting that one of the questions on Google’s employment application was, how many books have you written?  This...

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The Dark Herald Recommends Ford Vs Ferrari

Nothing pisses me off more than coming in Second. If I take third place, I’m still unhappy but I’m also calm and resigned. Show, was clearly going to happen long before I got to the end.  The game didn’t develop right.  I threw the dice on a play that didn’t work out.  The opportunity to pull ahead was never there.  Plain old bad luck is a genuine factor.  Like I said, unhappy but calm and resigned. I knew what was coming. Second place leaves me...

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Cleopatra: A Nationalist Heroine

REPOST: Still sick and yearning for death. Enjoy some more Best of the Dark Herald. Or don't. I honestly couldn't care less. Cleopatra VII would make for an intriguing Nationalist heroine today.  Her entire life was spent fighting for her country’s nationhood. It was a fight she lost but she gave it literally everything she had. The last native Egyptian dynasty ended when Psamtik III was defeated in the Persian invasion.  He was carried off in chains and later “committed...

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RE:View Terminator 2 – Judgment Day

REPOST from the old Dark Herald Blog. Still feeling too crappy to do much writing. Whatever Faustian bargain James Cameron seems to have made for his early mega successes with The Terminator and Aliens came due with The Abyss.  Despite positive reviews and a pretty decent story, the film was an abject disaster at the box office.  If there’s one thing that Hollywood loves more than overnight riches, it’s a meteoric fall. The wolves were scratching at James Cameron’s door....

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RE:View – The Terminator

Los Angeles 2029: There is nothing but rubble, mountains of skulls and gigantic killing machines rolling through the streets gunning down the last few remaining inhabitants of LA. “YEAH SKYNET!! GIT SUM! GIT SUM! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! HOO-RA-A-AH!” “Dear, please quit rooting for the terminators,” My Lady sighed. “It’s bothering the children.” “Nah, we’re cool with it, Mom,” replied Darkspawn. Before Westworld came along the Robot Apocalypse used to be cool. The Machines weren’t angsty at all. They just wanted to get the job...

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James Bond Dies In This Movie

Oops. ***Spoiler Alert*** If you are curious about the Rotten Tomatoes Score it is: 83% Critic's Score (of course) 00% Audience (RT is not reporting audience scores. I wonder fucking why?) UPDATE: This wouldn't have been the disaster it's going to be if EON had made it clear in Casino Royale that James Bond is a cover identity that has been passed from agent to agent since WWII. Think about it, Ian Flemming's original Bond would have had to have...

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RE:View – Ichabod and Mister Toad

Normally I limit REViews to fantasy and science fiction films from the 1980s. But I can make exceptions. After the massive success of Snow White, Walt Disney had two major bombs, Pinocchio and Fantasia. The Wind in the Willows (a children’s classic from Great Britain,) had been in development but when the Animator’s Strike (AKA the attempted Communist takeover of Disney) started everything was put on hold.  Disney Studios was about to fold, much to the delight of the Communist-run...

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Jon Bernthal Returning to Punisher?

Well maybe. Small Screen is reporting that Disney has a Punisher series in development for Hulu. "First, it claims that Marvel Studios is aggressively negotiating with Jon Bernthal to have him reprise the role of Frank Castle. (Small Screen) claims, 'The word around the Marvel camp is that Jon Bernthal really wants to play The Punisher again but has been negotiating hard on the contract.' The scooper then notes, 'They’re developing a series for The Punisher and desperately negotiating to have Jon Bernthal...

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First Impressions: Foundation

If Isaac Asimov and Frank Herbert had had a baby it would look like Apple TV’s Foundation… No, that isn’t it.   How about, if Apple TV’s programming chief wanted to buy Dune and it wasn’t available it would look like Apple TV’s Foundation?  Yeah, that’s the ticket. Foundation by Isaac Asimov is one of the most over-rated books in the history of science fiction.  It just isn’t as good as most people think it is.  The idea of a galactic empire falling, with an ensuing...

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Webtoons Killed the Comic Book Star

“The reason comic books are dying is that people just plain don't want to read them anymore. It has nothing to do with them having gone so-called, ‘Woke.’”   That is the explanation people like Dan Slott are giving for the complete collapse of the American comic book.  There is, of course, the problem of Manga sales.  Their reply to that is, “(*snort*) M-a-n-g-a, those aren’t comic books.” But the real problem for their argument is webtoons.  They generated 100 billion views in 2019. Think about that,...

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This Week’s Arktoons Roundup

In honor of our newest artist Joe Bennet. This week's BIC Arktoons Roundup spotlighted Brazil's comic book culture. The first Brazilian comic strip anthology magazine, O Tico-Tico began publication in 1905, twenty-eight years before Funnies on Parade hit the shelves.  O Tico-Tico would stay in print until 1977, which sadly beats out the vast majority of Brazilian comics. Given the problems of distribution and severe competition from American and Japanese imports, Brazilian titles tend to have a short shelf life. ...

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Life Hacks

Remember the toilet paper shortage? I actually used the one below when I was in the barracks. We weren't allowed to have hotplates back then. At least not in CONUS. Although you need to put foil over the iron or your service shirts are going to smell like pizza.

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Let Bond Die, Kill Him If You Have To

Apparently, Le Chiffre did too good of a job on Bond's balls. Here is the new 007 Lyshana Lynch, giggling girlishly over what she and Phoebe Waller-Bridge are bringing to the franchise. "Nothing says female depth, like menstruation". - jlongbone Never, never let the actors come up with story ideas. This is what you will get. Good luck with the Woke marketing, because it hasn't worked for five years. The last film to try it was Charlies Angels. This movie needs to...

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Good News for Doctor Who?!?!

Yeah, I know. Trust me, I know. Chinballs reign of terror over the franchise has resulted in such complete and utter devastation of sixty years of canon that there really can't be any genuine hope to be found anywhere. How can there be any good news for the most broken franchise in all of pop culture (and that's saying something)? Regardless, I am obligated to report this news to you. Russel T. Davies is returning to the show...

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EX-MARVEL ILLUSTRATOR JOE BENNETT JOINS ARKHAVEN

September 22, 2021 Longtime Marvel illustrator Joe Bennett is announced as the lead artist on two comics to be published by Arkhaven Comics. Earlier this month, Marvel Comics dropped longtime Marvel illustrator Joe Bennett from its Timeless comic for the thought crime of having drawn an illustration in support of a popular Brazilian politician, Jair Bolsonaro, in 2017, two years prior to Bolsonaro’s election as Brazil’s 38th President. It was widely reported that Bennett had not only been removed from the December one-shot, but was entirely cancelled by Marvel...

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Book Discussion: Monster Hunter Bloodlines

Larry Correia is the last of his kind. He started his career with an old fashioned vanity press publishing in 2008.   Larry had tried the usual route of sending his manuscript to everyone and getting rejected by everyone.  So, he decided to go with the court of last resort, self-publication. An accountant by day and a writer by night, Correia had made a name for himself far and wide in the gun-nut community, he contributed to several gun magazines.  He had been the...

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K/S To Be Made Kurtzman Trek Canon?

The OG of the slash fiction, Kirk/Spock gay porn, looks like it may well become a reality. The rumor, and it looks pretty reliable to me, is that Spock is going gay in Strange New Worlds. The unrepentant Kurtzman Trek shill site; Inverse.com posted a "testing the waters" piece declaring that gay Spock is not only workable in future stories but if you really, really think about it, his secret fabulous life has always been canon. Always. If they...

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RE:Play – Gabriel Knight 1

They don’t make boxes like that anymore REPOST: “I dreamt of blood upon the shore, of eyes that spoke of sin. the lake was smooth and deep and black, as was her scented skin…” -Gabriel Knight Cliche: defined as “an expression, idea, or element of an artistic work which has become overused to the point of losing its original meaning or effect, even to the point of being trite or irritating, especially when at some earlier time it was considered meaningful or novel.” Dirty little secret...

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Heroes of Appendix N: Conan The Barbarian

Know, O prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the Sons of Aryas, there was an Age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars - Nemedia, Ophir, Brythunia, Hyperborea, Zamora with its dark-haired women and towers of spider-haunted mystery, Zingara with its chivalry, Koth that bordered on the pastoral lands of Shem, Stygia with its shadow-guarded...

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Pivot to Video is the New Learn to Code

“Pivot to video” has officially been declared Hate Speech. Vice Media is a blog.  That is all that it is or ever was.  However, it was a pretty sweet gig you could get a job writing for what is, and always has been, just a blog.  A six-figure salary plus benefits to do this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia7fUQXskvA Although, it turns out that Vice has an app that does that and I’m not kidding. But it appears that the gravy train has inevitably run out of coal.  Layoffs have begun...

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Wow This Looks Cheap

The trailer for the new season of Picard has dropped… And. It. Looks. Awful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUhBOmtFYr8 I don't watch Kurtzman Trek. A few YouTube masochists do so, but I don't see the point myself. It’s not meant to be entertainment at all.  It’s certainly not meant to be a Star Trek and it is absolutely not for Star Trek fans. The purpose of Kurtzman Trek is to raise Alex Kurtzman’s status within The Club and enrich himself personally while providing a content farm for Viacom.  Forget storytelling, forget entertainment. Content is...

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Hats Off to the Guys at Bounding Into Comics

I'm impressed by my editor. One of the comics I mentioned on my Arktoons Roundup was Chuck Dixon Presents - Charlie Chan. "So how did the Chinese feel about Chan?  Well, when actor Werner Oland – who portrayed the Chinese detective across over four dozen films starting in 1926 – visited Shanghai in the 1930s, he got a hero’s welcome from the Chinese. In fact, Chan films were so popular in China that an industry of Shanghai-produced, Charlie Chan knock-off films thrived...

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Took Long Enough

The most hated storyline in the history of Marvel Comics has, after twenty years, been erased. I freely admit that when I was a little kid, Gwen Stacy was my comic book crush. It broke the Dark Herald's black little heart when she was killed off, way the hell back in 1973. A few years later I found out about real girls and instantly got over it. But here is the big thing about fictional characters you...

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Friday Night Sights

I'm going to have to process the Batman Webtoon before giving you my take on it. In the meantime enjoy some me time. FIRST The Matrix Resurrection Trailer. There hasn't been a Matrix movie since the Wachowski Sisters were the Wachowski Brothers. I liked the first movie. Admittedly, I didn't know how much of its cool look was the result of fairly extreme sexual submissive fetishism and male body dysmorphia. Regardless, I still liked the first one but they kept revisiting...

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It’s Canceled! The Owl House

When you are fighting a guerilla culture war you have to take your Ws where you can find them and in truth, they are going to be kind of small. But nonetheless, when you have a small win it's still a win. This first part is a repost from the old Dark Herald. Labor Day, 2020. "A while back I had given a grudging Cataline Recommends to the Disney Channel series, the Owl House. The reason was simple enough, it...

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Content is the Death of Creativity

I can’t believe I’m looking forward to the return of commercials. So why am I not reviewing Shang Chi? Because I've already seen it. Oh, maybe not with this particular window dressing but I've definitely seen it. So have you. It's a Marvel movie, and at this point, they are all the same. This week there was a stink about the Russo Brothers not returning to Marvel because of the ScarJo lawsuit.  Oh, noes! Disney has suddenly stopped honoring its contracts!  How can...

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