He-Man and Bonfire of the Vanities

He-Man and Bonfire of the Vanities

Mattel appears to be extremely unhappy with Kevin Smith. The toy sales for the Master of the Universe Revelation are reportedly non-existent. 

Whatever brand manager at Mattel who had the ingenuous notion of hiring professional nerd-whore Kevin Smith to helm the Netflix He-Man mini-series has cleaned out his desk by now. The new guy is clearly leaning on Kevin. 

Kevin Smith’s immediate stream after Revelation was launched had him bellowing joyfully about having killed He-Man TWICE.  And how proud he was to have subverted expectations just like the other people in Hollywood who don’t have a shred of talent either. It was the usual kind of online after party that is heavy on the issue-free mindless enthusiasm.  The idea is to keep the exhilaration going long enough for excitable fans to run out to their local comic shop or toy aisle and turn their wallets upside down buying fine (and unusually expensive) Mattel toys.  

It was a little embarrassing watching this 51 year old man, who still has his baseball cap on backwards and wearing a tent-like blazer from his hyper obese days.  I’m sure it fit fine when he weighed three hundred pounds but now, he looks like a kid wearing a grown-up’s dinner jacket. He was talking about how he would hate-watch the show as teenager and went on at great length over how much pussy He-Man eats.

He is a disaster as a brand ambassador. 

The insane part is that He-Man started life as a boy’s toyline. 

Mattel’s bread and butter since 1959 was Barbie. Boy toys on the other hand, were very hit or miss proposition for them.  They had their Agent Zero M line when James Bond was a big thing. 

Yes, that was Kurt Russel.

That line died out about the time that buying your son a cap gun automatically meant you were raising him to be a tower killer.

Mattel followed that up with their Big Jim line of adventure toys.

Big Jim lasted until 1977, when the president of Mattel turned down flat, a chance to start a line of toys for an upcoming movie called, Star Wars.

Big Jim’s sales collapsed completely in the face of the onslaught led by Han and Luke.  Mattel spent the next few years frantically trying to find the next Star Wars.  Since Hollywood wasn’t cooperating in providing one, they decided to create a fantasy line of toys in-house.  Mattel’s marketing department came to the conclusion that what boys age 7-10 dreamed of more than anything else was POWER. Since it was the muscle-bound eighties, a Frank Frazetta space barbarian was a natural fit for everyone.  Filmation was approached to create a story for the franchise and tell it to boys. And He-Man was alive.

Mattel is currently in bad shape.  The past two years have been exceptionally rough on them.  They don’t have the brands that Hasbro does, Mattel over-invested in Ever After High to the detriment of the Disney Princess line.  Disney noticed and moved the line over to Hasbro. That was a major blow for Mattel. Barbie sales are way down.  Basically, the only thing Hasbro has left with positive feelings attached is (or rather was), He-Man.

The market Mattel wanted to crack open was the adult nostalgia market.  Adults have money and can therefore afford a much more expensive line of toys.  The Mastervese line had an initial MSRP of $35 per figure.  Mattel also footed a big chunk of the bill for this series.  Not that Netflix cared, they had to inflict their Diversity and Inclusivity requirements on someone else’s production.  I suspect Smith was mostly carrying out orders but the orders came from Netflix. 

Mattel needed Masters of the Universe Revelation to knock it out the park. And it didn’t.

Consequently, Kevin Smith’s next stream at Comicon looked about as fun as your average hostage video.  The funniest part was Smith letting the cat out of the bag.  Netflix doesn’t care that the fans hate it, they’ve got 200 million subscribers. Clearly, someone had threatened him and since it wasn’t Netflix it had to have been Mattel.  Smith spent the whole stream saying how none of the things he did were his fault. 

When his NDA runs out, I guarantee he will return to his default state and start throwing everyone else under the bus.  He does it every time.

As bad as Teela got hurt, Kevin Smith’s reputation suffered the most irreparable damage.

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Comments (20)

  • David Reply

    There are also two He-Man and the Masters of the Universe miniature games that are planned for release. One by CMON (maker of the Game of Thrones miniatures game) for Asia and the Americas, and one by Archon Studio for Europe. These are paint and play miniatures so the market isn’t big but I wonder if this is going to derail either project. So far the only thing released are a few models by Archon.

    That’s Kurt Russell in the Agent Zero M commercial! And he even played the shooter in the 1975 movie The Deadly Tower.

    July 26, 2021 at 11:39 pm
  • Doc Love Reply

    Thank you for digging up the Agent 0M ads, those are great! Also, we can we expect to see you on SocGal?

    July 26, 2021 at 11:54 pm
  • TroperA Reply

    If you look into the history of He-Man, you’ll find that a lot of the writers were veterans and men who led interesting lives. One of the writers based Skeletor on a skeleton he saw in a funhouse when he was a kid. (The skeleton turned out to be the actual dead body of an Old West Cowboy. The story of the cowboy and how he came to be gunned down, embalmed and turned into an exhibit is loads more interesting than the latest He-Man series, to be sure.) Today’s writers are a bunch of adult children who live a sheltered existence, and who care more about spreading their ideology (which has remained unchanged from the moment a Marxist college teacher with Danger Hair drilled it into their heads years before.)

    July 27, 2021 at 12:23 am
  • Corey Ashcaft Reply

    The sad part is that a He-Man series done right without the woke, or in reality, minimum of woke is a license to print money. Boys grave the time of high adventure and daring deeds that make epic tales where good eventually wins and the hero gets the girl.

    Now that everything is woke, some things more than others, all properties targeted at males suffer. The writers seem to positively hate the idea of exciting deeds leading to a man getting the girl. That a boy becomes a man through the deeds of his adventures.

    I sometimes wonder if the writers just don’t get the idea of bloodlines. It’s as if they think that the next generation just……appears and is automatically better than the last with no effort. That each generation, for better or worse, does not stand on the shoulders of the last and are therefore justified in hating their ancestors. Why are modern writers so committed to destroying what one’s ancestors built?

    He-Man is the perfect embodiment of that with total self absorption and petulant behavior that Teela showed through out out Kevin Smith’s He-Man. She hates her father, disrespects her King and Queen when they need her most and just quits for the most pathetic “lies” due to hurt feelings. Instead of rising to the challenge she runs from it. Instead of inspiring her friends and family she becomes and embarrassment.

    July 27, 2021 at 12:45 am
  • jorgen b Reply

    I remember as a kid hating The New Adventures of He-man. But they can’t be as bad as this so maybe Mattel should dust them off. Lol.

    July 27, 2021 at 1:05 am
  • Wazdaka Reply

    Kevin should never have left his character of Silent Bob
    It worked better that way

    July 27, 2021 at 4:12 am
    • The Dark Herald Reply

      In most ways, he never has never left Silent Bob. That’s his biggest issue. And who the hell names their own daughter, Harley Quinn?!?! It guarantees that sooner or later your little girl is going to be dressing up as a Jersey streetwalker who specializes in clown porn fetishes. If he was bound and determined to pick a DC Comic book heroine name, go with Kara Zor-El. At least the costumes aren’t so bad…for the most part.

      July 27, 2021 at 11:11 am
      • Moonglum Reply

        Smith has already cast his daughter in the Tusk horror movie he made a few years ago (2014) along with Johnny Depp and his daughter. The girls played convenience store clerks. Johnny himself looked like a parody of Gerard Depardieu in a beret.

        July 27, 2021 at 5:15 pm
      • Wazdaka Reply

        Yes the Harley Quinn thing already happened

        July 27, 2021 at 7:41 pm
  • bvdemier Reply

    “I suspect Smith was mostly carrying out orders but the orders came from Netflix.”

    The more I see this crap happening the more I begin to understand Game Workshop’s decisision to create their own platform.
    GWS is extremely protective of its IP. You can make a crappy 40k game with lousy mechanics, but you as shure as shit can’t make a game where a female inquisitor with a side shave and a trans boyfriend gives a Chapter Master a scolding for being a toxic male.
    Netflix will always demand changes no matter what IP,

    July 27, 2021 at 7:20 am
    • Chris Lopes Reply

      If that’s the case, Smith should have been honest about what was happening up front. Instead, he lied about it and tried to smear those who knew the truth. In doing so, he burned what little credibility he had left.

      July 27, 2021 at 1:07 pm
    • Talos Valcoran Reply

      ” a game where a female inquisitor with a side shave and a trans boyfriend gives a Chapter Master a scolding for being a toxic male.”

      I just imagined the Chapter Master in question being High Marshall Helbrecht and had a right giggle. Huron Blackheart would be amusing if the heretics were given a go.

      July 27, 2021 at 8:14 pm
    • douglas Whiddon Reply

      GW is already headed down. In a recent book it has been revealed that the Emperor had help creating the Primarchs from a woman who is now considered their “mother”. I haven’t read the book yet, I’m just going off the youtube reviews.

      July 27, 2021 at 10:57 pm
      • Bies Podkrakowski Reply

        Read the “Saturnine” then, I think you wont be disappointed. Abnett is a good writer. Also this “mother” can be held responsible for almost anything bad that happened with primarchs, Heresy and the present sorry state of the Imperium of Man. Based?
        GW is a honest capitalist monster, it goes where money are. It can lead to stupid shortsighted decisions on their part but at least you can understand them (more money now!) If you are looking for a signs of the fall look for a signs of Female Space Marines.

        July 28, 2021 at 10:56 am
  • Bonesaw Reply

    I used to enjoy Smith’s movies. The shared universe he built was quite good fun and relatively rare for that era.
    I stopped watching his movies after he walked away from that premise. His films suffered and he lost a core component to his reputation that he’s been failing to revive ever since.

    I wasn’t aware of him bursting into tears and whoring himself out for anyone who would throw him some work nowadays, so seeing him degrade himself like this is sad.
    Him ruining a one time great character and setting is just as bad.
    If he’d have had any self respect or awareness he’d have walked away from this as he’s an incredibly poor choice to helm such a project.

    July 27, 2021 at 11:28 am
  • Trimegistus Reply

    The backwards baseball cap is easy to explain: Smith’s going bald and doesn’t want to show it. Just like Norman Lear wearing his stupid yachting cap or George RR Martin’s totally working-class flat cap.

    July 27, 2021 at 1:05 pm
  • Dane Reply

    Well put.

    I now see Kevin Smith as the Dan Crenshaw of entertainment.

    July 27, 2021 at 8:01 pm
  • bvdemier Reply

    To quote the Farms, He is very good at telling stories during his stand-up shows, and he’ll tell extremely one-sided versions of events in order to humiliate people he doesn’t like, and his fans will instantly believe anything he says. He will publicly BTFO people over petty bullshit…

    But MeToo got traction when Salma Hayek wrote an oped about the way she was assaulted by Weinstein on the set of Frida in 2002. Gues who had a role as a stripper three years before that in Dogma? And guess who was Executive Producer on that movie?
    And of course Smith never talks about Weinstein.
    Smith isn’t the one who take the girl upstairs to rape her at a party. Smith is the guy who makes shure the music is loud enough so you dont hear the sobs.

    July 28, 2021 at 7:51 am

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