Yeah, It’s Gonna Suck – The Eternals

Yeah, It’s Gonna Suck – The Eternals

It’s finally here!

The trailer for the long hidden, soon to be Marvel’s first (but hardly last) bomb; The Eternals

Here it is.

Look at it.

LOOK AT IT!!!!

That.

Was.

Awful.

It leaves the audience lost and confused. Plus, there’s a Bollywood dance number!

So has Disney given up on China and now it’s going to snobbishly condescend to India?

Not sure they are going to do that with this History Channel movie. But at least we will finally learn the Hindustani word for Baizou!

Yeah, it’s gonna suck.

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Comments (15)

  • EXALT Reply

    That sound you hear in the background are the people who worked on Solo cackling like maniacs.
    Random thoughts on the trailer:
    1)While watching the first scene, I was thinking: “Ok, are the Eternals invading a Bible movie? Because I wouldn’t say no to Joshua and Caleb beating up these a-holes.”
    2)”We have always guided you.” Fifteen seconds later: “We have never interfered.” Wow, I didn’t know a trailer could have plot holes.
    3)About halfway through we see medieval knights doing nasty stuff in what is the one dark scene of the trailer; moreover, the Black Knight is confirmed to be in this, and that guy has connections with the Crusades. I think we’re in for the good old “Once there was culture and sexual freedom everywhere, but then those nasty Christian came, burnt up all the libraries, enslaved the women and started the Dark Ages”; good to know the classics are being respected.
    4)Black Panther and Captain Marvel may have been woke and unashamedly so, but at least their trailers made clear they were still going to contain lots of explosions and people being beaten up; is the average MCU fan really going to accept dance numbers and interpretative hand-holding as a reasonable substitute?
    5)And of course the final scene mocks the one white guy for wanting to lead; classy. It also informs confused fans that yes, this is supposed to be an MCU movie.
    Can’t wait for your slaughtering of this, DH!

    May 24, 2021 at 10:57 pm
  • SirFalterBrawley Reply

    They not only took away Ikaris’ role as leader of the Eternals, they’ll be mocking the idea that he could ever be a leader of anything. Just slap a “white men not welcome” tag on the end card.

    May 25, 2021 at 1:28 am
  • furor kek tonicus Reply

    the fundamental story telling problem is this:
    WHY are they stepping forward NOW?
    .
    the Deviants have existed every bit as long as the Eternals. while the Deviants are reputed to be in the movie i find it implausible that things have changed sufficiently wrt them, that they COULD force the Eternals to reveal themselves now but could NOT for the previous 500,000 ( or whatever ) years.
    .
    also, the Eternals are talking about the Avengers and Rogers and Stark being gone. fvcking THANOS KILLING HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE DIDN’T ATTRACT THEIR ATTENTION? and i’m assuming Thanos got half the Eternals with the Snappening …
    plus you’ve got all of the other major MCU villians that have shown up. Ultron, Surtur, the Kree-Skrull war, Hella, Dark Phoenix, etc.
    .
    i mean, in addition to historical trifles like the genocides of Mao and Stalin and Cambodia and the Muslim rampages through Hindu India and Hiroshima+Nagasaki and the 6 gorillion and the Cold War and what not. NONE of that got a peep out of the Eternals?
    .
    *what*, at this late date, could possibly “justify” them coming out of hiding without ALSO proving them to be completely inept and unprincipled jokes? hell, even Captain mostest bestest evAR Marvel showed up for End Game.
    .
    EXALT has nailed most of my problems specific to the trailer.

    May 25, 2021 at 3:32 am
    • EXALT Reply

      “Marvel Studios’ The Eternals features an exciting new team of Super Heroes in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, ancient aliens who have been living on Earth in secret for thousands of years. Following the events of Avengers: Endgame, an unexpected tragedy forces them out of the shadows to reunite against mankind’s most ancient enemy, the Deviants.”
      This is the movie’s official synopsis; according to a leak, the “unexpected tragedy” is the death of an Eternal (Salma Hayek), which is… underwhelming; that same leak (which came out over a month ago and does fit with what was shown in the trailer) also states that Ikaris – the white guy that gets mocked here – is the murderer and secret villain, which I can totally believe.
      The leak is here, if you’re interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/MarvelStudiosSpoilers/comments/mgl81j/eternals_uncut_plot_leak_user_who_has_seen_early/

      May 25, 2021 at 10:56 am
      • furor kek tonicus Reply

        all you’ve done is reiterate my point:
        the killing of ONE Eternal is what brings the Eternals out of hiding?
        .
        didn’t Thanos Snap half of them?
        .
        even if Thanos somehow did NOT Snap half of the Eternals, how does the death of ONE SINGLE ETERNAL outweigh the death of half the population of the universe or the genocide of the 6 gorillion ( for but 2 quasi-random examples ) ?
        .
        this is a society entirely comprised of extreme Narcissists, not one of which would i trust to “guide” or protect me.
        .
        .
        .
        .
        also states that Ikaris – the white guy that gets mocked here – is the murderer and secret villain,
        .
        yeah, the whole WHITE MAN BAD trope from Hollywood is getting pretty ridiculous.

        May 25, 2021 at 12:08 pm
  • Dave W. Reply

    Sweet Jesus. All the aforementioned crap, and whiny SJW Kumail Nanjiani on top of it all.

    DumpsterFire.jpg

    May 25, 2021 at 4:54 am
  • Sanders Reply

    Good luck managing and developing 10+ characters in a single movie. The movie is likely to be a massive flop.

    Marvel is done for the same reasons Lucasfilm is done… Complete and thorough convergence.

    Things can always change sure.

    May 25, 2021 at 2:54 pm
  • John E. Boyle Reply

    To the Dark Herald:

    Do not watch this movie. I don’t want that on my conscience. Good God, man, you’ve suffered enough with this blinking trailer! Unless it is part of a drinking game, of course.

    May 25, 2021 at 5:25 pm
  • Wazdaka Reply

    This is gold
    With my primary entertainment now stemming from dark herald, drinker, midnights edge etc, ragging on Hollywood this will provide months of hilarity

    May 25, 2021 at 8:39 pm
  • Seeker Reply

    Foreigners who try to hijack and destroy Indian culture are known as Macaulayites in India. They draw their name from Thomas Macaulay, the British man who introduced the British school system to India with the intention of using it to literally destroy their culture. He “succeeded” in creating a class of rich leftist SJW wannabees that plague India to this day. The Indians that follow such doctrines are known as Macaulay-putras (the sons of Macauley). As expected, these are the types who promote leftism/communism in India, run much of their university system and the media, would love to see Hinduism destroyed in favor of Islam, and love the INC party (currently being run by an Italian woman whose mother in law was the communist Indira Gandhi… yeah).

    May 25, 2021 at 9:10 pm
  • Talos Valcoran Reply

    I assume the only reason they’re unleashing this abomination is due to “sunk costs.”

    May 26, 2021 at 9:47 am
  • Star Tripper Reply

    Richard Madden: Gee, I’m sure glad I got out of Game of Thrones while it was on top. Now what shall my next project be? Oh, a Marvel movie. That will be awesome I’m sure.

    May 26, 2021 at 12:33 pm
  • Doc Reply

    “LOOK AT IT!!!!”

    Hilarious. That was precisely my response:

    Did you see the 2 washed up Hollywood hags? Did you see THEM? LOOOOK AT THEM!!! They’re still relevant, right?

    Did you note we included Hindu square dancing? We did, it’s in there.

    And the fat black Negromancer, did you notice we made him really smart? Did you? Cause we did, because they’re all from Wakanda and really smart.

    Have you ever seen a worse generic CGI space ship in the history of any movie ever? Didn’t think so! Cause we have that too!

    Did you see the assembly of generic, gender and race swapped, boring fucking no ones that nobody cares about posing in costume? FFS, on the beach, right there at the end. It was the whole point of the trailer. Just like the Avengers, yes?

    “We have never interfered, until now.” OMG!!! What could this mean?????????????????????????

    Did you notice the subtle hint of wokeness? We made fun of the heroic looking white guy. Subtle, yes? Don’t worry Peter Pan and the Negromancer will make up for the inherent unmarketability of white male heroes…

    May 26, 2021 at 5:32 pm
  • Doc Reply

    My apologies, Pedo Pan. We have that too…..

    May 26, 2021 at 5:42 pm
  • Follywood Reply

    There are a bunch of young up and coming actors and actresses and then there’s……Angelina Jolie. Let’s hope she doesn’t split Kit and Rose up and then accuse Kit of domestic abuse.

    August 24, 2021 at 5:07 pm

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