The Wokeiest Place on EarthThe Dark Herald
Going to Disney World was just a dream when I was little kid.
My Dad was very clear on that point. It was just a dream. It was going to stay a dream. A trip to the Happiest Place on Earth was out of the question. Even if he could scrape to together enough cash for a flight and a big enough hotel room, we couldn’t afford to actually go inside the park once we were in Orlando.
It. Was. Not. Going. To. Happen.
I accepted the reality of it. Albeit with bad grace and I’m sorry for that now. I have learned what it’s like to want to deliver something special for my family and not be able to do it. I would watch the Wonderful World of Disney with sad longing but there was nothing to be done and the Little Dark Herald knew it. Dad would sit on the couch looking a little glum.
Then out of the blue, he got a contract job in Jacksonville. That made a day trip to the Magic Kingdom quite doable.
And it was pretty close to magic. It wasn’t just the rides, although those were great. Epcot didn’t exist yet, so WDW was strictly the Magic Kingdom but there was a lot to it. Animatronics were quite a lot more cool in the seventies. The 20,000 Leagues Under Sea ride was still running. And the Carousel of Progress was featuring the “Now is the Time,” song, (which led to me being gaslighted by my own family for years. They had me half convinced that song was a product of my deranged imagination). The Haunted Mansion was everything a haunted mansion was supposed to be for a little kid.
But like I said, it wasn’t just the rides.
There was something about just walking down Mainstreet USA that made me happy. The characters on the street like the mayor and the fire chief gave this fake American town quite a bit of depth. Occasionally, some of the townsfolk would suddenly break into a “Hello Dolly” style song and dance number. Even the town suffragette added something fun. There was a depth to Mainstreet because it was telling a story.
My next trip was in college. I was really intrigued by EPCOT and I had some time and money on my hands. My favorite ride was Horizons, (which doesn’t exist anymore). Followed by Maelstrom, (that got reskinned as a Frozen ride). If I had had a clue what was in store for Journey into Imagination with Figment, I would have ridden it more than once. Captain EO doesn’t exist anymore either but nobody misses that one. Epcot was also telling a story, even if it wasn’t the one Walt had wanted to tell. It was a tale of optimism. A yarn about hope for a positive future. Just wait long enough, we’ll get it right one day.
…because they are the prism through which we view the world.
That is my real point here. Sadly, I’m not the only one who understands this.
The Woke cancer isn’t restricted to Lucasfilm. It is eating all of Disney to include, naturally, the parks. There is a group of like mind Critical Race Cultists at Disney who call themselves, Stories Matter. Given the plagiarism involved in that title, you can guess how good they are at telling them. Regardless, this is the group that is responsible for such ridiculous crap as replacing the Redhead with the utterly fan-rejected Red the Pirate in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
And assigning a ludicrously high priority to the reskinning of Splash Mountain. Granted, the animatronics on that ride were recycled from the old Bicentennial attraction America Sings, which makes Brer Rabbit the oldest robot in the park. They were breaking down constantly, so, yes, it was to have to be refurbished. And given the millions needed to do that, it makes little sense to use it to highlight a movie that Disney has refused to show for decades. But it makes ZERO sense to do that when the parks are reeling from the biggest financial disaster in Disney’s history. The parks desperately need new rides to get people interested in coming to the parks. Finishing the Tron coaster would have done just that.
Here is Shanghai’s version of the ride.
Instead that development money is being poured into an old water coaster so that it can be virtue signaled into a Princess and the Frog ride. Tons of money are being spent to reskin Splash Mountain so that it will be based on a film that did so poorly, it finally killed hand-drawn animation at Disney.
Tron now has walls around the building site. That means construction will be halted for years, provided they don’t just give up altogether and replace it with something else.
Now, this is assuming that the new generation of Imagineers that Bob Cheapek has overpromoted will be able to create something that runs in the first place. Their first project was Rise of the Resistance and that still breaks down constantly. All of the WED Works old guard were forced to take early retirement this year.
The next thing that they are screwing up is the replacement show for the Epcot lake show; Illuminations, Reflections of Earth. The new one will be the worryingly titled; HarmoniUS. It’s not due to come online until October but it’s floats are already seriously disfiguring the once beautiful scenery at World Showcase.
But that is really just a warmup for the Stories Matter team. The real damage will be done at Epcot.
Currently, most of the future-world pavilions are torn up. Spaceship Earth is the highest visibility ride that’s closed. It is Epcot’s signature attraction. I remember being a little surprised when Disney announced at D23 Expo that they were NOT tearing it down. The reaction was, “that’s nice because that was the one ride, I knew you couldn’t touch. So, what are you tearing down?”
The answer to that is all of Future World as basic concept. They are getting rid of it in favor of (*long tired sigh*) a bold reimagining. Along with World Showcase (those are all of the national pavilions) there will now be, World Nature, World Discovery and the terrifyingly named (if you know anything at all about Critical Race Cultists) World Celebration.
These are the parks where the Stories Matter group have made their impact felt.
World Nature isn’t changing things too much. The Land isn’t getting anything done to it. The only thing that is happening to the Seas pavilion is that they are finally revamping the Coral Reef restaurant, (hopefully starting with the chef). There will be one new pavilion called Journey of Water with Moana. In terms of box office and cultural impact there is no way that Moana rates her own ride, although in terms of SJW checkboxes she absolutely does.
World Discovery will still have Test Track but Universe of Energy is gone. It was supposed to be replaced by a Guardians of the Galaxy roller coaster but that has been delayed indefinitely.
World Celebration includes Spaceship Earth and that is where the Stories Matter group really got its hooks in.
Spaceship Earth was originally a ride that traced the history of technology and communication.
But clearly communication is what it’s going to be about now.
And from what I’m hearing it’s all going to be like this. The new ride will also include the flying stingray from Moana. Disney IPs are being shoehorned into rides that never had them before.
Spaceship Earth is going to be a fifteen minute Woke propaganda ride that is designed to make sure your children are thinking the right way, even on vacation.
Take a good look at that last photo again. A great moment in Herstory as a woman commands and all the simps cringingly obey.
And from now on the story Disney World will be telling is White Fragility.
Okay, I’m done here.