The Dark Herald Recommends: The Haunted Mansion
Have you ever walked into an old place and just knew it was wrong somehow?
Everybody around you feels the same way, don’t they? Whether it’s a shuttered prison, an unnaturally still place in a dark forest, or a cold basement in a large old house. Of course, you have felt that way. Because that place has loci, there is a spirit to the place. Even the most sciencey types will get out of that spot quickly.
Who doesn’t love a haunted mansion?
Assuming you aren’t living in one. I can see how that would kind of suck.
Youngest Dark Spawn: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Dark Herald: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
Youngest Dark Spawn: WHAT?!
Dark Herald: Goodnight!
But the concept of a Haunted Mansion easily brings the delightful shiver that is the essence of atmospheric horror.
And it does have to be a Haunted Mansion. A Haunted Three Bedroom, 2 ½ Bath With Full Walkout Basement, doesn’t come close to cutting it; those kinds of ghosts inhabit Wes Craven movies more than anything else.
Nor can it be a Haunted McMansion. Those are too recent, just too tacky, and being made of cardboard and sticks – will collapse long before they can become properly haunted.
No. It needs to be an old mansion, one with its own loci. It needs plenty of rooms to be explored and an architecture that both threatens, yet also draws you in. Something from another century. A relic from an alien way of life, a threshold to a lost realm of ancient luxury, rigid class structure, and hidden pain. A world separated from the real and mundane world. A place where the man who built it was a heartless robber baron whose wife and children were happy at first but then miserable as something dark entered their lives. They all either died or vanished mysteriously. Other people who lived there either came to similar ends or fled in terror during the night. Although, a bloody, horrible murder somewhere along the line is a must. So is a suicide by hanging. The Mansion was abandoned decades ago and parents are always warning children to absolutely stay clear of it. The kids get explanations about the dangers of dilapidation and rotting floors but the children all know the real reason. They had been telling each other the stories for generations.
Then one night a gang of kids dare each other to sneak in… And spend the night.
The Disneyland Haunted Mansion was one of the most anticipated rides in the company’s history. Largely because they couldn’t get it finished.
The planning for a haunted building started in 1951, four years before Disneyland would open. The concept went through a lot of tweaking and plusing. At one point Walt shitcanned everything after he went through the Winchester Mystery House. A façade began construction in New Orleans Square in 1961 and was completed in 1963, handbills were handed out announcing its opening in 1965.
It didn’t open until 1969, three years after Walt’s death.
Conversely, the Disney World version was ready to go on opening day. The Imagineers had made duplicates of everything during the construction of the first mansion with a few extras like a library thrown in. Although, the façade was much different; being located in New Orleans Square, Disneyland’s version looks like a Bourbon Street mansion. Whereas a gothic revival style had to fit in as best it could in Disney World’s Liberty Square.
This darkest-of-the-dark rides has been universally popular for decades. Tokyo has one. Disneyland Paris Phantom Manor is frankly the scariest of them. Hong Kong Disneyland had k-i-n-d of a problem given Bejing’s attitude toward ghosts but they made do with a tale of magic.*
In the early 2000s or thereabouts, then Disney CEO Michael Eisner decided to synergize various Disney Park attractions by making movies about them.** Country Bears did all right and Pirates of the Caribbean blew the box office so far out of the water you can’t see the ocean from space. But Haunted Mansion just plain bombed.
Disney handled the box office failure of Haunted Mansion in a very Disney fashion, by refusing to admit there was a problem. Oh, obviously the box office returns were a disappointment (not a problem, just a disappointment) but given that Haunted Mansion (2003) came out right after the Pluto Nash disaster everyone just blamed Eddie Murphy.
Guillermo Del Toro was tapped to make his own version of Haunted Mansion in 2010. Ryan Gosling was signed in 2015, and Del Toro ended up walking away from the whole thing in 2018 after the Woke cancer had metastasized at Disney.
The project was revived during 2021-22 making it one of the few Bob Chapek era films we will ever see. Del Toro’s script appears to have been completely trashed, the sole writing credit goes to Katie Dipold who wrote Ghostbusters (2016). If that was meant to give me a sense of unease when approaching this movie, it worked.
The film opens by introducing our surprisingly traditional male protagonist Ben who is meeting his future wife at a party. We learn that he is a high-powered astrophysicist and science magician. His future wife gives ghost tours. The next time we see Ben he is drunk at a bar, his wife is nowhere to be seen and he now gives his wife’s ghost tours. He is bitter and lonely.
We next meet single mom Gabbie (played by Rosario Dawson playing the only character she ever plays these days) and her son, Travis, it turns out she’s a single mom for the traditional reason of being a widow (although that doesn’t get mentioned until the climax). She and her son are moving into the haunted as all get out, Gracie Mansion (the one in New Orleans Square). Once they know about the 999 haunts they run off. Unusually sensible in a horror film.
Next, we have Father Kent (an obviously comedy-relief fake priest played by Owen Wilson) barging into Ben’s life. Ben had techno-babbled together a camera that can take pictures of ghosts. Kent gets Ben to come to the Gracie Mansion with the promise of money.
Gabbie and Travis are surprisingly still living there, and do warn Ben about not coming in. He takes Gabbie’s money and pretends to take pictures. He announces that there are no ghosts in the Mansion and leaves. Since he was conning a woman who clearly has a problem we don’t mind what happens to Ben next.
Just like in the ride, a ghost followed him home. After haunting the hell out of him, Ben returns to the mansion.
There are some confrontations where it’s established that no one is really in the right here. The closest might be Gabbie who says, “I’ll do anything to protect my son.” It may not be moral but I get it. They contact a medium, who comes to the house and is also now trapped there. They also contact local historian Danny Devito, who wants to see the inside of the mansion. Ben and Kent really don’t want to do that as he has a heart condition. After stealing his documents they find that the house has a séance room; more common than you would think depending on the period.
That’s where they find the crystal ball where the great madame Leota is imprisoned. She fills them in on the background. William Gracie’s wife died and he was super sad about it and wanted to get in touch. All the seances that were conducted in the mansion attracted a lot of ghosts but not his wife and then a mega-evil spirit (the Hat-Box Ghost (see below)), moves in and imprisons all the spirits, as well as Madame Leota. William Gracie kills himself. Leaving 933 ghosts in the house. 66 more people have died there since then. The Hat Box Ghost only needs one more spirit to reach a thousand and he will get some kind of super mojo out of the deal.
Leota advises the living that they need to find out the name of the Hat-Box Ghost and get some item of his so they can banish him. Danny Devito arrives at the house and is now trapped there.
They find out the Hat Box Ghost’s name somehow. They find out his name via a really dumb contrivance. Ben and Kent head out to his earthly home. Which as luck would have it is a dead ringer for the Liberty Square Haunted Mansion. Long detour short, they find the Hat-Box Ghost’s hat and head back to New Orleans Square just in time for the climax.
Part of the Hat Box Ghost’s dealie is that the soul has to be willing. He nearly tricks Travis into killing himself to see his Dad again. Then he nearly gets Ben but Ben decides to live. A special effects-laden ritual is performed and the HBG is banished.
In the denouement Ben and Gabbie have a relationship started (wedding bells are in their future), the fake priest has been ordained and the 999 now Happy Haunts are sticking around the Mansion because they like it now without the HBC (and in case there is the need for a sequel). Yeah, there won’t be.
Here’s the thing about this movie, I didn’t hate it. The plot was contrived in several places but it is a ghost story. Ben and Travis had identifiable plot arcs. Nobody else did but that was okay.
The plot wasn’t Woke at all, in some ways it was fairly old-fashioned. The joke I made the other day about a 1970s movie starring Kurt Russel and Leslie Ann Warren? Yeah, this really could have been that movie. The romantic pairing wasn’t cross-racial, (unless you count Rosario Dawson by herself) and frankly, a black couple makes more sense in New Orleans, so that part flies. There are no forced and awkward LGBTQ insertions. They don’t even bring up slavery in New Orleans. There is the possibility that a lot of those things were there and were cut at the last minute. Regardless, I have no ideological objection to this film. It will be a fine Halloween movie.
A fine, boring Halloween movie.
That is my only real objection here. This thing is just plain dull, I never laughed once. I was never particularly scared either but no one ever is scared by special effects comedies. It had all of the baseline problems that Ghostbusters (2016) had, but it didn’t have Paul Fieg and the cast making them worse. Meaning that Katie Dipold would appear to be competent but boring as a writer.
It does try to grapple with the very big question of death and grieving. And how you have to go through the process of grief before you move on with your life. Ben can’t deal with the death of his wife and Travis can’t deal with the loss of a father at the worst age there is for a boy to lose his father like that. The Old Historian (Devito) will soon be dying himself. It tries to come to grips with these questions but can’t really succeed. That said, yeah, I’ll give points for trying.
I’d say there is audience an audience for this thing, I saw it with my severely autistic niece and she thoroughly enjoyed it. On the basis of that I’d say the market is kids between seven and twelve. If Disney had kept the budget in the Disney Channel range they’d be fine. As it is they are going to lose money but at least not on the scale they have for the past year since this thing only ran about $150 million in the budget department.
In summary, the Haunted Mansion is an inoffensive and boring special effects comedy that really isn’t that funny. If you want to dump your preteen off while you watch Oppenheimer, you’ve got the option.
The Dark Herald Recommends with Mild Reservations (2.5/5)
*Honestly, the Hong Kong Mystery Manor is one of those rides I’m always going to regret never having seen.
** The first of these flicks Tower of Terror, and Mission to Mars are surprisingly difficult to find. They appear to have been part of a distribution deal with MGM. You can watch all of Tower of Terror on YouTube and that never happens with a Disney movie. They just don’t care.
