Yeah, It’s Gonna Suck – Amazons Lord of the Rings (part II)

Yeah, It’s Gonna Suck – Amazons Lord of the Rings (part II)

LOTR -"You shall not pass"- Explained - Album on Imgur

UPDATE: Look Troll Factory, my comments are moderated and yours won’t be approved.

Even less surprising than Baby Yoda’s choosing the armor is the clear and obvious fact Amazon’s Lord of the Ring, The Rings of Power should have been titled, The Triumph of Sauron.  The fair lands of Middle Earth have finally been overrun and despoiled.

Christopher Tolkien was the good son of a great man; he steadfastly protected his father’s legacy and works.  But he is gone now.  The estate now belongs to Tolkien’s grandchildren and ALL of them are trust fund babies who act like trust fund babies.  They want their other friends with money to stroke their asses and tell them how brave they are being for letting Bezos bastardize and soil their grandfather’s work.  They are completely blind to the fact that this pile of fetid garbage is going to stain people’s memories of his masterpiece.

This whole catastrophe started with Jeff Bezos saying he was determined to have his own Game of Thrones. Which means that this abortion is going to be a derivative work of George R.R. Martin, not JRR Tolkien.  The producers are denying this with tears and oaths but the fact that they hired an Intimacy Coordinator (AKA Sex Arranger) tells you what books this show is based on. 

The truth is, this show isn’t based on any of Tolkien’s books.  What Amazon has the rights to are the background notes.  No joke, that is what they own the rights to and that is what Bezos has spent hundreds of millions on. 

While the contract they had with Christopher Tolkien had some very strict limits with regards to what they couldn’t do with regards to JRR Tolkien’s overall story arc, it had a major loophole in that they could create new characters.  And boy, did they ever.

The Dwarf Princess Arondir

You are racists for wondering how she got that tan in the Mines of Moria.

Elfy, the Elf. Honestly, who gives a shit what his name is? He ain’t in the books.

In addition, they have undeniably altered established characters significantly.

Galadriel, Commander of the Northern Fucking Armies. No, I’m not kidding they got her that wrong.

Screen fantasies in the 2020s are utterly obsessed with diversity and inclusion despite the fact that shotgunning these POCs all over settings that are expressly and unmistakably built around a single, distinct ethnicity will take viewers out of the story as inevitably as one where Ralph Fiennes is playing Shaka Zulu.  Twitter Stans convincing themselves that they are being fierce, stunning, and brave for snoring their way through this thing are going to be the only audience that wasn’t lost the moment the opening credits rolled.

The producers also decided that it ain’t Lord of the Rings without Hobbits.  Again, they were blocked by Christopher’s contract with them, but they could use one of the clan names, “Harfoot.”  I don’t know what proto-hobbits are going to be doing in this war-torn world but I’m sure that whatever it is, it’s going to be awful.

Is there any good news at all?  Very little.  Under the terms of the current contract, they have a hard limit of eight episodes.  If they can’t get a hold of the rights held by the producer of Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings (the Saul Zaentz Company), that is all they can shoot. 

Sadly, SZC is selling those rights.  They have to. It’s perfectly obvious that Amazon’s Woke Tolkien is going to severely damage the brand as a film property.  So, they have to dump it while the dumping is good.

Granted, the price tag of $2 billion is a bit steep but Bezos is undoubtedly willing to pay it.  I don’t think anybody else can cough up that kind of money at the moment.  Iger would probably have snapped them up reflexively, but Chapek would be out of a job if he tried to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps.  The only competitor with that kind of cash to throw around is Apple.  And even if Apple did buy the rights, they are the most Woke production house out there, take a look at Foundation. Their version of Lord of the Rings would actually be worse than Amazon’s.

There is one big question mark over the sale and that is, will Warner Brothers challenge it?  SZC and the WB have been suing each other on and off for twenty years now.  So, maybe.

Lord of the Rings is one of the great works of Christian-inspired literature and there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that any errant Christian themes that could have been located in that background material have been completely exorcised. 

Morgath from his prison smiles upon the works of his deformed children at Amazon.

Yeah, it’s gonna suck.

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