M&Ms Go WokeThe Dark Herald
Woke candy. It has come to this.
Normally, I wouldn’t bother to cover something like this here but the M&Ms mascots are a legitimate part of pop culture and thus falls within my purview.
Candy is about to get more “inclusive,” with the maker of M&M’s announcing its famed characters are getting modern makeovers and will have more “nuanced personalities.”
The green M&M, previously seen in ads posing seductively and strutting her stuff in white go-go boots, will now sport a pair of sneakers. A description for the green candy on the M&M’s website says she enjoys “being a hypewoman for my friends.”
“I think we all win when we see more women in leading roles, so I’m happy to take on the part of supportive friend when they succeed,” the green M&M said on the promotional site.
“Fun can cross borders & boundaries and can bridge differences & divides. Best of all, there is always more of it when you aren’t the only one having it. Our ambition is to upend the expected, breakthrough barriers, and discover the little joys shared in everyday life. Imagine a world with less judgment & more connection & consistent laughter.”
Aw, that’s nice because you know who could really use a commitment to inclusivity, less judgment, more connection, and any kind of laughter?
The fucking child slaves that harvest the chocolate for M&Ms!!!
Usually, I don’t care much about the companies that brand rape themselves by informing me that they no longer want me to buy their product unless I abase myself before the Woke gods and decry my sin of being born white on a daily basis. I merely adjust my buying habits to not include their products and then laugh when they have to explain to their shareholders why their shares are down.
But the hypocrisy of Mars inc is beyond staggering.
This company is carried on the backs of children that work in conditions so squalid they can only dream of picking cotton. And yet Mars insist they have the moral high ground because they are turning their corporate mascots into a Woke kabuki theaters.
“I’m gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it’s hip and makes us look cool,” said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. “And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character.”
“Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms,” he continued. “Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands.”
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an “S” because they haven’t had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn’t able to change anything but its outward appearance.
“We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!” said the Mars CEO.
The LGBTQ+ community took to Twitter to ask why there isn’t a Latinx M&M. “Do better,” tweeted user @ihatemyself.
Lastly, Mars chocolate is when all is said and done, chocolate-flavored grease. Or at least it tastes that way when compared to the real thing. Find a local chocolatier and support them instead of Mars. Chocolate is supposed to be luxury, treat it that way.