The Lords of Chaos Triumphant
The time of the Kali Yuga has descended upon the DCEU.
In case you are wondering, what the hell does that mean?
“In the DC Comics canon, the Lords of Chaos are higher beings of great mystical power that represent chaos and acted as the avatars of the concept of change during the Ninth Age of Magic. Empowering followers with their magics, they fight the Lords of Order as their ultimate goal is to bring about the “Kali Yuga“, a term use to describe a period where chaos reigns ultimately supreme.”
And chaos is certainly reigning supreme at DC Films.
There is no doubt in my mind that Marvel Studios is headed off a cliff but at least they are all marching in the same direction at the same time. Yes, they are also going to end up at the bottom of the cliff themselves. But if you must have a train wreck at least have it be an orderly one.
DC Films on the hand is running in every direction in a blind panic. Try everything at once isn’t the greatest business plan out there.
After Zach Snyder’s failures and Whedon’s reskinned Justice League severely underperforming, it finally looked like things were on the upswing for DC Films.
Wonder Woman (2017), Aquaman and Shazam! All did well at the box office and had very positive fan engagement. It gave an appearance of a DC Films division that had turned things around. Joker blew the doors off and did so against a fairly low budget.
It turned out that this was just a deceptive little straightaway on the DC roller coaster, before the sudden drop.
Wonder Woman 84 was a disaster for everyone but Patty Jenkins and Gal Gadot. When the feminist dynamic duo first heard their film was going to be dropped straight to HBOmax they howled in fury and then got paid ten million each. Roughly what they would have made in residuals if WW84 had made a billion dollars at the box office. And there was no way in hell that abortion was going to pull down a ten-figure take. Take the money and run ladies! You delivered the worst superhero movie since Superman 4 and you made out like bandits doing it. Respect!
And now of the three Batmans available it is Michael Keaton who is now the Official Batman of DCU
No, I swear I’m not making that up. Between, Affleck, Pattinson and Keaton, DC is going with the guy who turns seventy this year to headline its top action franchise.
That is the word from Walter Hamada, the president of DC Films at Warner Media. And I’m pretty sure(?) he wasn’t joking. Then again who can tell with DC these days?
And speaking of Hamada. Ray Fisher who played Cyborg is under impression that he can dictate which film president he will “work with.”
Not “work for,” you understand, “work with.”
When Fisher publicly went after Joss Whedon, there was restrained shock in Hollywood, because nobodies in Hollywood like Ray Fisher, attack somebodies like Whedon. Not unless there is a damn good reason. The was a view of, “wow, we knew Whedon was a secret creepy misogynist, but we didn’t know he was a racist too.” There was quiet support for the young actor’s courage. But with Fisher’s public declaration that he will never work with Walter Hamada again, the view has now shifted to “who the hell does this special little snowflake think he is?”
Fisher had two (count’em TWO) screen acting credits before Justice League. I can understand an inexperienced actor bonding with a director like Zack Snyder who is an actor’s director, and then resenting his replacement with a guy who treats actors like props. But this outburst against Walter Hamada has more than a whiff of a drama queen who ludicrously overvalues his talent. Fisher is done in Hollywood.
Anyway, we get to officially find out about Keaton being elevated to King Batman in the new Flash movie. The one that stars the gender-fluid weirdo who got drunk and beat up a woman in Iceland. And still kept the part because he is a gender-fluid weirdo and no one in Hollywood dares fire one of those.
Honestly, Michael Keaton is probably in better physical condition than Robert Pattinson. Sparkly Batman had nothing to do during the Lockdown but get himself in shape for a movie that requires him to look like he can convincingly beat-up stuntmen the size of linebackers. Pattinson appears to have spent all those months sitting on the floor eating spaghetti and ice cream. He showed up both skinny and potbellied. Good trick! His excuse was that an over-rated ham from the 1950s never got in shape for his parts either.
Amber Heard remains Mrs. Aquaman despite having the messiest divorce in Hollywood in a decade. But Believe All Women even if they take a shit on the bed.
Finally, we have the saga of the Snyder Cut. His fans were convinced that his “bold, reimagining” of DC Comics Superheroes Universe was back on after he was brought in to create a desperately needed eyeball magnet for HBOmax called “The Snyder Cut.” Moar dark and gritty!
And now Snyder is admitting that the Snyder Cut is a dead end. Nobody at DC with a win under their belt wants to go back to letting him be king of the playground and Walter Hamada was none too cool about being overruled by the big bosses at AT&T about spending seventy million on a film that was released three years ago.
Snyder is being smarter about this than his Cyborg actor. He is trying to keep relations warm with people who will still be working in Hollywood in ten years. Sure, Ma Bell is the big boss of Warner for now, but for how long? (edit from 2022 – Wow did I call that right)
The Kali Yugi began to drift in when AT&T got great big dollar signs in their eyes. Ma Bell was a telecom queen since forever (in one form or another), she added cable and internet to her empire. Once she had a team of horses she went looking for a cart. A long-standing studio that could be turned into a streaming factory raking $20 billion a year just like Netflix is doing, would fit the bill.
Or to be slightly more accurate, how Netflix CLAIMS it’s doing.
Frankly, we pretty much only have Netflix’s word that they are as big of a money machine as they say they are. There are a bunch of little signs that they are the Enron of the entertainment world. And AT&T is following in their footsteps. So, Ma Bell may eventually ditch Warner Entertainment.
Regardless, Snyder is out again once The Snyder Cut is finished and Batffleck is out with him. AT&T is temporarily convinced it needs to take a more hands-off approach again, now that they’ve discovered that A-List talent won’t work with Warner Media. Because there will be no backend residuals from all the films that are getting dropped on HBOmax this year and Hollywood liberals turn into Republicans when it comes to their paychecks.
How will all this turn out?
No idea, DC Films is no longer a subdivision, it’s a bunch of warring tribes and no none seems to be able to get it under control.
Okay, I’m done here.
UPDATE: Walter Hamada’s interview with The NY Times is now rumored to have been a “commissioned piece.” If true Ma Bell is going to be weighing the possibility of getting rid of Hamada.
SECOND UPDATE: It was a commissioned piece and Keaton is NOT the main Batman. It’s Affleck.
THIRD UPDATE: Ray Fisher is out as Cyborg. A surprise to no one, except Ray Fisher.