The Rings of Power Ep 2-3: Orcs Are Immigrants Too!
“For every one pupil who needs to be guarded against a weak excess of sensibility there are three who need to be awakened from the slumber of cold vulgarity. The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts. The right defence against false sentiments is to inculcate just sentiments. By starving the sensibility of our pupils we only make them easier prey to the propagandist when he comes. For famished nature will be avenged and a hard heart is no infallible protection against a soft head.”
-C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man
I won’t say it’s astonishing to me that there are people out there who are genuine fans of this overripe trash-fish of a fantasy show. And by overripe I mean even Gollum would turn up his nose in utter disgust. It is after all a product of its age. No, I’m not condemning all modern fantasy. The internet is a double-edged sword and there are some great fantasy books out in the wild right now that would never have gotten a chance fifteen years ago
While this is the age of liberation from the mindless gatekeepers, the gatekeepers have been shunting droves of the mindless into the realm of fantasy. The best known fantasy role-playing game of long time standing has been changed from strongly Tolkien influenced to completely Tolkien banished.
This show was originally meant to be very respectful of Tolkien’s work but due to multiple regime changes at Amazon both at Amazon Studios and in the C-Suite, it was warped into something that served the desires of Morgoth.
The Second episode begins in Kaza-Dun and is one made slightly more tolerable because it is more dwarf-heavy than its immediate predecessor. As in the first season, the Kingdom of the Dwarves is the only thing whoever is grinding out this offal-packed gristle sausage is interested in.
I suppose it’s because it’s the only thing that allows them any real creativity. Professor Tolkien seems to have lost interest in the Dwarves early on. In the books, Dwarven cities were always presented as ruins. We never got to see them in their glory.
I can’t help but wonder if this was just an Englishman’s natural disinterest in all things Scottish. Because let us face it, that is how Tolkien Dwarves always come across to any other race from the Isle of the Mighty, and the Scotts themselves seem pretty cool about it. I’ve known Scottish nerds that refer to themselves as the Children of Aule.
Prince Durin and his thic wife are shopping and they actually do some show don’t tell storytelling. Durin wants to buy some tasty mushroom (makes sense for dwarves) his wife tells him it’s too expensive. They’ve come down in the world since he fell out with his father the king. But they are weathering the storm as a family.
Then there’s an Earthquake and all the light shafts from the surface collapse. Which means they will be bumping into walls a lot and their gardens are going to die, (Dwarf does not live by mushroom alone)
Opening credits (skip, skip skip). Galadriel is in the forest, where a tree upon which the image of Finrod the Barely In This Travesty has been carved. Galadriel is speaking in Welsh with some very pronounced gutturals Rs to make it Elvish. She is being big sad about her brother… Again.
This obsession of hers is getting more than a little hentai creepy. If she’s going to be super pissed off about a loved one being killed by Sauron, then it should be her HUSBAND. They are not planning ahead here. Bringing Celeborn into this story is going to be unavoidable at some point unless Amazon shit-cans this disaster. Celeborn is going to have to be released from whatever prison he’s in. She should be at least a little annoyed about him getting killed too, instead of constantly obsessing about Onii-chan.
Celebrimbor shows up and Top Gee is surprised to see him. He tells her that Sauron has returned and woah the branches of the trees are slithering toward her legs. You briefly get the uncomfortable feeling Galadriel is about to get the Evil Dead treatment. Nope it’s the Ghey Elf that gets unusually close to Nature. Okay, this is a nightmare sequence. Celebrimbor gets…uh… impaled. He starts chanting in the Black Speech, “Three for the Elven Kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf Lords…” You know the rest.
GEARSHIFT Gil-Galad is holding a council of war, they are going after Adar. They don’t seem to have a motive for this. I mean sure, Orcs be bad and all but they don’t have a caucus belli other than Numenor got its ass kicked, which should be its problem and not theirs. Supposedly, the Orcs are pursuing isolationism now that they have a place to be isolated in.
Gil-Galad notices that Galadriel has her head up her ass. And asks her about it.
The elf stuff is so boooooring to wade through. This is dialog that is wandering in circles smelling the sweet perfume of its own farts.
My family has made the very reasonable request that I watch this brain-rot in isolation. So I have to watch this on my laptop. my laptop keeps dumping me out of this show. I can’t blame it. Not when it is obliged to deliver dialog like this:
“Since the wearing of this ring, I have perceived glimpses of the unseen world. As dreams unbidden come forth to crowd my waking mind.
“You believe the rings have kindled your ability to foresee that which has not yet come to pass?”
And the actors draw this stuff out as much as possible. It’s just interminable. It’s also a ripoff of the dialog from Jackson’s films. Referent: Blanchett Galadriel talking to Frodo.
Short version. Gil-Galad sent out word to Eregion that Halbrand was Sauron since Galadriel decided to play My Little Secret with that fucking nugget of information when last she was in Celebrimbor’s backyard. They haven’t heard anything back from Celebrimbor. Gil-Galad wants to send some envoys. Galadriel wants to go with but GG says “no” because you’re clearly thirsting for Sauron.
She says that is the biggest reason she should go.
No. No, it is the biggest reason she shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near Sauron. On an attraction scale of 1-10, Amazon Galadriel is at an 11 for Sauron. If a girl is at an 11 for you and you ask her to help you get rid of a body the only question she will ask is “Should I bring a shovel or a saw?” She is unlikely to remember whose side she is supposed to be on, when Sauron purrs, “Baby, we are on the same side.”
Back to Eregion where Sauron-Halbrand has been left cooling his heels. Apparently Galadriel told Celebrimbor to never let Halbrand in but freaking did NOT tell him why.
Hard cut and we are now in Western Rhûn. Sinister riders in 300 Persian fright masks are riding up to a Faverau Video Sound Stage. They report to Ciaran Hinds, who is playing “Dark Wizard,” that they have found Hobo-Gandalf. Ciaran’s on-screen credit is the only thing that is Dark About him.
Quick reminder: the men of Rhûn were dark of skin and fell under the influence of Morgoth early on. They live in the hot as-hell, sandy-ass desert. The one fucking time it would make sense to have POC cast members and they are fish-belly Cirian Hinds white. The Naz-gurls from season one are back. And Ciaran Hinds chews them out. Then he sends out the guys in the Xeres fright maks to bring in Hobo-Galdalf. Why ripoff one franchise when you can rob two?
We are back in Kaza-Dun. King Durin has summoned Disa and the Stone-singers to find a safe way to dig to restore the light shafts. The girls sing passionately to the rocks. And crap-out. Durin kicks out everyone but Disa. Family drama ensues. The king won’t apologize to his son, nor vice-versa.
Galadriel is trying to talk Elrond into going with her to Eregion. He wants to build boats now.
I am so, damn sick of Elven speech, the constant rolling of the Rrrrrrrs is grating. Although I did have a laugh when Morfyd Clark inadvertently did the rrrrr thing when she said the word “everrrrrything.”
My laptop just dumped me out of the show again.
Okay, let’s look in on the least important characters in the show.
Still wandering in the desert. The Filthy Gully dwarves collapse, so Hobo-Gandalf drags them on a tarp. Then he collapses so they drag him. Am I supposed to feel humor or something because I mostly feel kind of numb at this point?
My computer’s player keeps quitting on me. Refusing to let me watch any more of this. I weep for my computer’s compassion and love for me but I must press on. I shall call my laptop Samwise.
They find a well drink up for a bit and then the guys in the 300 fright masks show up. But Hobo-Gandalf creates a sandstorm which sucks them away but sucks up the Filthy Gully Dwarves and Housing-Challenged-Gandalf as well. Because Gandalf couldn’t figure out how to stop it.
First of all, Gandalf didn’t ever do things like that. Again, this is the kind of magic that Tolkien would never have permitted Gandalf to perform. Second, and this is so much worse, this version of a paragon figure of high fantasy is now the Greatest American Hero Gandalf, he’s got tremendous powers but gosh darn it, he lost the manual so he doesn’t know how to use them.
We go back to Eregion. Celebrimbor finally goes out to tell Halbrand-Sauron to piss-off. He’s been waiting in the rain like young Kwai Chang Cain trying to get into the Shao-lin temple. The funny part is that there is an elf servant following Celebrimbor around with this weird split canopy thing that is supposed to function as an umbrella. And it doesn’t work at freaking all, the actor playing Celebrimbor is just soaked.
Sauron talks his way in for a private meeting and is finally being the liar and deceiver that is Sauron. I feel so dirty for almost of approving of it when he turns himself into Anatar the Bringer of Gifts.
But then Sauron, in this tableau of angelic light declares that Celebrimbor will be revered no longer as the scion of Feanor (he was his grandson but whatever) “But as the Lord of the Rings!”
GAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
They did it. They actually dared to use the title Lord of the Rings in this flaming trash heap. Wrap a stator around Tolkien’s coffin because its spinning could power all of Europe.
Charging on to Episode 3.
As I said, Amazon dumped three of these abortions all at once. I suspect that they are going to try and claim the viewing numbers are stellar before Neilson drops the bad news and they have to crater their ad rates on this disaster. The reviews were at 2.5 stars over the weekend but shot up to 4.5 on Monday. Someone must have taken the weekend off.
It kicks off with a scene from last season, Isildor’s horse, Berek refuses to get on the ship and Elendil lets him go to run free. Some Orcs try to capture the horse later but Berek kicks the orc onto a broken tree limb impaling him and then runs off into the “Dark Forest.”
It turns out that Berek is a magical contrivance horse. He can find his way past story beats that were left out of the last season. In the last season, Isildor of the Cast Iron Plot Armor was thought to have been killed in the village that got hit by a volcanic pyroclastic flow. Although they didn’t find his body anywhere.
There was no indication at all that he’d been snatched by the Children of Ungoliant, but that was where super horse Berek found him in a giant spider pit. There’s an action beat that was so dark I had to turn Samwise’s brightness to max.
I still couldn’t see what was going on and had to look it up. The dog-sized spider attacking was the Baby Shelub. This is now Amazon Canon. It has come to pass.
The Horse and his Boy escape. They find a shambolic camp and someone is hiding there. She promptly stabs Isildor in the thigh. It’s a young girl and she’s black which means she’s automatically his new love interest. She’s already dealt him a crippling injury, that means he’s hers now.
Next scene, and we are at Numenor. The old king has died and apparently, they honor their dead by putting sea shells on the sarcophagus. Dollar Store Atantis sucks. Queen-Regent Mireal is getting blamed for her failed expedition. I nearly cheered when an extra slapped her.
The Numenorians are right. She launched an invasion for no good reason. Led it herself, it was badly beaten, and she herself is now blinded. The show frames this as, she was right if you think about it. She wasn’t.
Ar-Pharazon is now plotting against her, and Elendil’s now sensible daughter has joined him.
Hard cut to Eregion. King Durin is being promised that magic rings will make the dwarves stronger, more powerful and their women more attractive. Prince Durin has reconciled with his old man and he is really nervous about magic. Rightfully so. In Middle Earth, real magic was all about breaking the laws of nature, it defied the will of Illuvatar. Nonetheless, Durin III will go along with it because the plot needs to happen.
Back to Isilidur and the Girl. It turns out she has a fiance, rather than a husband which is what any peasant girl over seventeen should have but now we have an obstacle to their shipping that must be overcome. They come across an obvious ambush and Isildidur the Dim walks right into it. He gets his horse stolen, Berek is after all a magical contrivance horse, and if the contrivance requires him to be captured rather than kicking some peasants to death then so be it.
Elfagorn shows up and saves them. Time to get caught up Bronwyn and Theo.
Bronwyn is dead.
Like I said, they are paring down the cast. Although, in her case, Nazanin Boniadi had a one season contract and had the good sense to not renew.
Elfagorn and Theo are interminably sad about his mom kicking the bucket off-screen. Then Theo offers to help Isildor get his horse back.
Off to Mordor. Adar is getting his troops ready to go to war. This is the famous scene where the orc trooper just wants to stay home and take care of his mate and orcling.
For some reason that we will never be told about, Theo knew where the bandits were and that they are the human slaves of Adar.
Isildur gets his contrivance-horse back but Theo gets captured by a giant something. We didn’t see what. So it’s either a troll or Tom Bombidel (who is due to show up so it’s probably Top Bee) we won’t know until next week, Thank Manwe.
Samwise is quitting on me again. Courage beloved laptop, we are nearing the summit for this week.
Back to Dollar General Atlantis. It is Mirel’s coronation and it doesn’t go smoothly. Some woman screams at the queen for getting her husband killed. Miriel makes a brief speech meant to appease things. But Elendil’s non-canonical daughter shows up and denounces Miriel, as an exclamation point the now racist, sexist, homophobic, and now-based daughter of the founder of Gondor throws the queen’s Palantir on the floor of the palace. The crowd is aghast.
“Elf-magic! Free Coinage of Silver!! They tuk ur Jubs!!!”
Then a giant eagle shows up. Ar-Pharazon walks toward it. Then he turns around and walks back. The eagle flies away while the crowd starts chanting his name.
The Eagles were Manwe’s special creatures. It’s why they are so important in Tolkien’s lore. It’s why they save the day when nothing else could. So having one indicate that it (inexplicably) favors Ar-Pharazon would be a strong indicator that he should be king instead of Tar-Miriel.
Gentle reminder: The Eagles could freaking talk!!!
Final scene the seven rings for the Dwarf Lords in their halls of stone are being cast.
There’s a YouTuber called Just Some Guy who said that this show was to Tolkien’s work what Taylor Swift’s cover of ‘September’ was to Earth, Wind and Fire’s original version. I hadn’t even heard her cover and I knew it was a perfect analogy.*
This is and has always been fan fiction. Any whirring sound you hear while watching this is Tolkien spinning in his grave.
If that’s all it was, then fine. It wouldn’t rate the extended exhortations I subject it to week after week. But the truth is The Rings of Power is a lot worse than fan fiction. It’s evil.
Let’s revisit Mr and Mrs Orc.
Tolkien’s Orcs have always been evil. This is unquestioned by all but the illiterate. Yet, from the start this show has been portraying Orcs as an oppressed people. Why? It isn’t just a sympathetic analogy for various POCs, although no one has a bigger White Savior complex than a Progressive Liberal. This is clearing the path for something a lot darker.
It’s laying the groundwork for the belief that if something, anything at all claims to be human then it is a secular sin to deny that something its ‘humanity’, even if it clearly doesn’t apply and was never meant to apply. Rings of Power Orcs are just the latest fictional claimants to that title. This has been gaining steam for the past decade.
The desperate need to redefine humanity is at the core of the Transhumanist movement since the objective is to create a new human species. To free man from the limitations of a feeble body that ultimately must die.
“And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting.” Romans 1:28
I am indeed and truly curious as to how this show is going to treat Ar-Pharazon’s hubris in defying the will of Eru-Iluvatar and of his strange gift to Men. For while a man is doomed to die, so is his corruption doomed to die with him.
*She used a freaking banjo to sing Earth, Wind and Fire’s September.
