Trailer Drop Thursday 2/23/24
I know what you’re thinking. This is super low effort, oh Herald of the Dark.
And you’re right it totally is. I’m glad you’re paying attention.
FIRST
Borderlands
Greasy as a vat of whale blubber Randy Pitchford has finally gotten his dream. Borderlands is now a movie and I got to say the casting is kind of weird.
Cate Blanchett as Lilith: I’m a gigantic fan of Cate the Great, that said, she’s 54 and that’s assuming her age isn’t being shall we say suppressed. I love her but she wouldn’t be my first choice for Lillith. However, since I’m inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt on pretty much anything, I’ll remind myself and you my Darklings that she was the best thing in Thor Ragnarok.
Kevin Hart as Roland: Okay, yeah. This is going to be a comedy. Hart is 44, so not too much of an age gap and theirs is a doomed romance anyway.
No One as Brick: Which beats Dave Bautista as Brick. Honestly, that would have been a spinal reflex for any casting director. I’m surprised Bautista didn’t automatically clear a space in his calendar when production was annoucned.
No One as Mordechai: Seriously? that’s two of the OG Vault Hunters MIA. Admittedly, he didn’t serve much of a function as a character in the story. I’d read he was the least-played character in Borderlands 1, but that doesn’t matter for a movie. Now if you’re a fan of Aurelia as a hunter character? She’s not in this either.
Ariana Greenblatt as Tiny Tina: I have no idea who she is. TO THE IMDB PAGE! Holy shit, I do know who she is. In fact, I’ve liked her work. She played little Gamora in the last Marvel movie that didn’t suck. She also played Young Asohka, which is one of the few scenes I woke up for in that whole series. And she’s an actual kid so I’m backing off now.
Jack Black as Clap Trap. No complaints. I’m cool with it.
Haley Bennett as No One: That’s interesting. She’s a somebody in Hollywood and she’s listed high on the credits too. I wonder who the mystery girl will be? A siren is a good bet, but which one?
No One as Handsome Jack: Not a deal breaker if they are hoping to make a franchise out of this. That said, I’m willing to put money down on there being an end-credits scene with a guy saying, “These pretzels suck!”
Eli Roth as the Writer/Director: Okay, I’m going to have to see it anyway. I’ll go in with an open mind.
Gina Gershon as Moxie: Shut up! I said I was in.
NEXT
Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire
After seeing Godzilla: Minus One, I have come to realize that my enjoyment of the utterly retarded Godzilla Vs Kong was the result of my being used to a bar set so low it was easy to trip over. The fact it was raised to hip height for that movie doesn’t change the fact that it was actually pretty bad. The bizarre thing about Godzilla being the protector of nature and King Kong being the protector of humankind feels vaguely skin-crawling for reasons I haven’t nailed down because I refuse to waste thought on it.
Anyway here is the new trailer
NEXT
Deadpool and Wolverine
Now with less 100% less Gina Carano. Honestly, it looks like a mess to me but this Hail Mary hits the theaters on July 26. And after it’s finished its run there is absolutely nothing in the pipe behind it. I mean sure there are some movies with characters no one gives a rancid fart about but there is nothing that the critically endangered species known as the “Marvel Fan” will be able to take an interest in.
Truthfully, this one doesn’t look as good as the last Deadpool movie, and that one wasn’t all that good.
NEXT
Twisters
…
No.
No, I’m not doing this
Here’s a Swedish metal band singing about the Bismarck. Maybe Vox will like it.
In bitter truth, I can’t tell you which operation was a stupider waste of men and material. Operation Rheinübung or Ten-Go. I suppose in terms of sheer tonnage pointlessly lost, Ten-Go wins but the idea of using Bismarck as a commerce raider was an idiotic misuse of a battleship. I mean seriously, it’s like using a Barret to hunt squirrels. Sure it will work but for the price of it you can buy everyone in the county a cheap varmint gun.
The Germans were hopelessly addicted to Mahan when they would have been better served paying attention to Sir Julian Corbett. After Scapa Flow, the Germans should have restricted their navy to smaller ships with an emphasis on asymmetric warfare.
I can truthfully say that Bismarck met its fate because of its Admiral. Lutjens gets a pass too often. He was chosen to command the sortie because he’d been a commerce raider his entire career. When the Hood opened up on Bismarck it was the first time in his entire career he’d ever been shot at. Lutjens shit himself and froze for several minutes until Lindemann disobeyed orders and fired. Then Lutjens called off the attack on a wounded and malfunctioning Prince of Wales. Yes, Bismarck would have taken more damage but Operation Reine was a failure the moment the Battle of Denmark Straits started. The best case scenario would have had Bismarck get to France where it would have been bombed on a regular basis by the RAF. He should have destroyed Prince of Wales and returned to Kiel and get a Grand Cross of the Iron Cross from Hitler. After bombardment duty in Russia, the Bismarck would have ended its days in the Target Fleet off of Bikini Atoll.
There is no point in studying history. People who don’t never learn from it and they always seem to end up making the big decisions.
Okay, I’m done here.
BONUS:
Madame Web Pitch Meeting
