I WAS ONLY JOKING!!!

I WAS ONLY JOKING!!!

It’s Lando.

Lando Calrissian is now the first official LGBTQASDFQWERTY at LucasFilm.

From Bounding Into Comics

“Marvel Comics And Star Wars believe that Lando Calrissian is an LGBTQ+ character and will feature him on one of their six Star Wars Pride Variant Covers.

On the official Star Wars website, a blog post revealing the cover reads, “StarWars.com is thrilled to offer a first look at the entire slate of covers: Star Wars: War of the Bounty Hunters #1, featuring our favorite rogue archaeologist, Doctor Aphra, by artist Babs Tarr; Star Wars: Bounty Hunters #13, which showcases Yrica Quell, vaunted pilot and leader of Alphabet Squadron, by artist Jacopo Camagni;”

It continues, “Star Wars: Darth Vader #13, celebrating Imperial commander Rae Slone, by artist JJ Kirby; Star Wars: The High Republic #6, with Jedi twins Terec and Ceret, by artist Javier Garrón; Star Wars: Doctor Aphra #11, depicting bounty hunter/smuggler Sana Starros, by artist Jan Bazaldua; and Star Wars #14, which highlights Star Wars icon Lando Calrissian, by artist Stephen Byrne.'”

Unsurprisingly, Disney has handed itself a headache with this one.

Stan Twitter will reject Pando utterly and angrily.

Why? You ask in obviously bored disinterest.

Simple. The hysterical, mentally diseased teenage girls (and pretty-close-to teenage girls) that make up the bulk of Stan Twitter, will feel utterly cheated. Here’s why:

Assuming… Just assuming without prejudice, that you still have a will to live after seeing what will one day inherit our country. Then you see the problem.

There is no one to ship Lando with.

That’s the real issue here. The Shipperetards are the real driving force behind these bizarre and unnatural romantic pairings. No cares about which cartoon character is fucking another character, except the Shippers and no one cares like they do. They clearly and obviously have nothing else in their pointless, damaged young lives but the “drama of these stunning and brave relationships.”

They build their entire broken existence around trying to force major studios to severely brand damage themselves by forcing characters into the kind of sexual relationship that will only appeal to 5% of the general population. And the amazing thing is, the studios do it! They cave in to this negligible portion of the public that never buys content it can’t steal online. Never buys toys, books, or magazines. They are not customers, they are parasites. Yet their whims are tremblingly obeyed.

But let’s get back to the issue of Lando. Shippers are simply not invested in his sexuality. Now if he and Han Solo (or for that matter he and Chewbacca) had had a long-standing deep, masculine, brotherly friendship with just a little conflict here and there to spice things up. Then of course they would immediately start demanding Solando (or Landacca) be made cannon. And they will proudly shriek their love for this deeply moving, stunning, and brave perversion in the most unhinged manner imaginable. Because these characters are real to them and you are not. They will aggressively demolish your entire life if you remotely threaten their fantasy world with mild disagreement. These are the people who “cry out in pain as they strike you.”

But sadly, there is no one. No non-binary, gender fluid pre-post Trans love interest for poor lonely Lando Calrissian. Not since his sex doll died to deafening applause.

No one at all.

Hey, what am I? Chopped liver?

So, remember to teach your children to mercilessly bully children like the ones in the video.

It’s our only hope for the future.

If you need a pallet cleanser for the Shipper squealing, here’s E;R

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Comments (8)

  • DFCtomm Reply

    “They cave in to this negligible portion of the public that never buys content it can’t steal online. Never buys toys, books, or magazines. They are not customers, they are parasites. Yet their whims are tremblingly obeyed.”

    Not seeing shelves of action figures in that reaction video. Not seeing much of any merchandise at all.

    May 8, 2021 at 1:10 am
  • Wazdaka Reply

    Geode is off the hook

    Entire Galaxy available for new stories, no subvert the old one.
    Idiots

    May 8, 2021 at 9:15 am
  • Star Tripper Reply

    Of course they had to make it the only black character in the original (actually only) trilogy.

    May 8, 2021 at 1:37 pm
  • Blake Reply

    God, that analysis of shippers is on point – the screeching at the end of Supernatural proved that.

    May 8, 2021 at 4:00 pm
  • TroperA Reply

    Lando was an appeal to the black community, to make the kind of suave, pimpin’ hero that black boys would want to be if they were in the SW Universe. But now he has to be sacrificed to the Diversity Gods because China doesn’t care if a black guy is gay. They can just edit his scenes out of a work of SW media when it comes time to release it in their country.

    May 8, 2021 at 5:24 pm
  • Scott Osmond Reply

    Sorry but for me the breakup with DizniWars happened so far back that I no longer care. It’s like one of those x’s you hear about every now and again and they are the same old crazy strung out trainwrecks that made you leave years back. I’m over hear on Galaxy’s Edge KTFing with the Leges.

    May 9, 2021 at 5:06 am
  • Codex Reply

    Never mind the shippers*. Strunk and White are my OTP. I shipped Jack O’Neill and Sara. Moral canon!
    .
    Ahem. Longtime fen.
    .
    Just assuming without prejudice, that you still have a will to live after seeing what will one day inherit our country
    .
    What I want to know is where the video came from. Those wankers were acting for the camera. That… Is… so creepy.

    *Full disclosure: Back in the late-oughts when the teens I knew were getting into this stupid I thought “shipping wars” had something to do with P.O. Box fraud.

    May 10, 2021 at 2:52 am
  • Talos Valcoran Reply

    I miss E;R

    May 10, 2021 at 10:16 pm

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