Modern Role-Playing Games In One Picture
This is absurdist fantasy dressed up as inclusivity. This picture has been all over my feed for a couple of days. Mostly because it perfectly encapsulates Modern Audiences Dungeons and Dragons.
I could forgive this if it was made by an AI, but it clearly isn’t. Someone drew this. It’s all the thought that didn’t go into this is what makes it impressive.
You are presented with a Red Sonja type of heroine. While her face is sharp-featured it can be reasonably accused of being attractive. This is intolerable in a white woman and requires disfigurement elsewhere. From her neck down she’s covered in scars, this is a good start to making her less appealing to the male gaze but what really does that is her gorilla-like arms. She appears to be on Test, Tren, and steroids, all at the same time.
That at least explains her arms but does nothing to account for her “never misses leg day” thighs and calves. Forgive me for stating the obvious but paraplegics aren’t noted for their ability to do squats with 450 lbs on the bar.
Finally, there is the chair itself. The artist wanted there to be no mistaking that this woman, (technically) has a mobility impairment, granted one that still allows her to do deadlifts.
This couldn’t be more of a failure to be fantasy unless it was Dragon Age.
NEXT
Dragon Age: The Veilguard
Continuing down the fail trail we have a character creator for the new Dragon Age game.
I gave up on Bioware games a while back due to the fact that I was constantly being sexually harassed by NPCs. It didn’t matter what the interaction was.
Player: I would like to buy a bottle of wine.
NPC (coyly): What are you planning to do with it?
HAVE SEX NOW? (Y/N)
So, I’m out of the mix for a new Bioware anything. I learned a hard lesson from Mass Effect Three and I’ve never looked back. Nonetheless, the Sweet Baby-approved character creation feature for The Veilguard caught my interest.
It’s quite an impressive technical achievement. Thousands of possible combinations yet none of them of attractive. That took work and dedication to get a result like that. None of the female or female-ish characters can have a bust size larger than a B-cup. But they can have crotch Bulge that is bigger than that.
Or they can opt for no bust size at all if a player chooses the “top scars” (mastectomy scars).
Who did Bioware hire to run this?
Oh…
And devotee of the FaceFix App.
Previous development work was on Sims 3 and 4. Plus Tiger Woods. No experience at all in RPGs. And this thing was put in charge of a Dragon Age title.
It will shock you to your toenails to learn that EA’s biggest investors are Black Rock, State Street, and Vanguard.
NEXT
Assassin’s Creed Shadows is starting to look like it’s getting delayed. Ubisoft has pulled out of the Tokyo Game Show and it’s rumored that they are canceling the scheduled press reviews.
“To our community members, Regarding our planned online participation in Tokyo Game Show 2024 scheduled for September 26th at 15:00, we regret to inform you that we had to cancel our exhibition due to various circumstances. We will continue to carry out the official streaming commemorative present campaign that is currently…”
So they are delaying the launch. But why? This was originally due for a November 2024 release.
Yeah, it’s gonna be a Woke disaster but it is waaaaaay too late in the game’s development to fix all the things that are wrong with it. Even if they wanted to ditch Yasuke, (which they don’t) they can’t, and not just because Black Rock won’t allow it. They would have to scrap the entire game and start from scratch at this point.
So why delay? Because the Guillemot family is facing a shareholder revolt so big that Black Rock can’t save them. If they have another disaster at this point, they are guaranteed to be out in the street. And right now AC: Shadows is going to fail, they know that by now. So the only thing they can do is delay and hope something changes.
