The Star Wars Hotel

The Star Wars Hotel

Dark Herald: Do you want to stay with your entire family locked in a building and sleeping altogether in a room the size of walk-in closet for three days and two nights?

Beloved Readers: Fuck no! What’s wrong with you?

DH (enticing lilt to his voice): But you get to LARP Star Wars the w-h-o-l-e  t-i-m-e…

BR: We’ve begged you to get your meds adjusted.

DH: I haven’t taken those in years. And what if I told you, you could do all that and more for the price of just $6000?

BR: $6000?! Oh boy!  You wait right here while we get our wallets and if nice men in white coats walk into the room just stay where you are.

Six thousand is the base cabin price, without bells and whistles. Here’s the chart.

There are two cabin sizes above that.

The Galaxy Class suite:

One-bedroom Galaxy Class Suites feature a living space complete with an integrated seating area and have all the comforts of Standard Cabins plus a double vanity bathroom, bar area, 2 windows with views out into space and a few extra Star Wars surprises.

Specifications:

Sleeps: 4 passengers

Room Configuration: queen bed and 2 wall pull-down beds for one adult each

The Grand Captain suite:

Two-bedroom Grand Captain’s Suites offer ample room for the whole family and feature a posh living space complete with an integrated seating area. They have all the comforts of Standard Cabins plus a main suite with a double vanity bathroom, a second bathroom with a single vanity, a bar area, 3 windows with views out into space and a few extra Star Wars surprises.

Specifications:

Sleeps: 8 passengers

Room Configuration: 2 queen beds, 2 berths (bunk beds) for one adult each and 2 wall pull-down beds for one adult each.

For reference, seven nights at Disney World’s premier resort, the Grand Floridian Hotel will run you $4,000.

I should also mention that this $6K price tag is for weeknights not weekends and only in the off-season

And I love the promise of a “window with a view out into space.”  Like there is anyone on Earth who isn’t going to figure out that this is a flat-screen TV.  Maybe the black of the starry infinite would look better on an OLED but I have never been more certain of anything in my life than I am of Bob Chapek not approving the expense of OLED portholes.

You do get to wear costumes which is kind of a big deal for Disney because they normally won’t let anyone do that unless it’s Halloween.  And as you already guessed, if you don’t have Jedi robes you can BUY them!

There is alien food in bowls, just like they have at Pandora, and you only have to pay Disney World prices for that bland fare.

Here is a link to the itinerary which I refuse to copy.

It is a list of the bullshit activities you will be pretending to do like;

Ship Orientation.

Sabacc Lessons.

(No lifeboat drill I see. I’m sure that’s against regulations.)

Dinner and show.

There are also strictly scheduled Unexpected Story Moments, where you can join a smuggling ring or hide a Resistance fighter from the First Order. Or any of the other stuff Disney was saying you would be able to do at Galaxy’s Edge but is now locked away behind a six-thousand-dollar paywall. And yes, you read that right.  They are still going to be using the utterly reviled Reyloverse as the background setting for your “adventures.”

Your second day there you are briefly paroled out to Galaxy’s Edge so you can spend money there for a change of pace.

Then dinner again and a space prom.

Third day is breakfast and get out.

Who the hell is this for?

I mean yes, I realize it’s for families with a $400K plus annual income. But who do they expect to come here?  

If this had existed when I was a little kid, I would have begged my parents day and night to take me (which would never have happened).  When my eldest wasn’t quite old enough for kindergarten she was a huge prequels fan (she refuses to admit such a thing now), so she would have been begging me to go.  

But there is no family audience for this thing now.

Even Kray-Kray Kay-Kay is on the record as stating that the new Star Wars films she was making would need to bring in a new generation of kids.  The Third Trilogy completely failed at that.  There are almost no little kids that are interested in Star Wars. Reylo poisoned that well.

This thing is going to flop worse than Superstar Limo.  The first two weeks to a month it will be huge and then it will drop off a cliff.  It’s too pricey, no one will want to repeat it and little kids don’t like Star Wars anymore.

I’ve rarely looked forward to something failing this much.

UPDATE: I am seeing very little organic, online buzz about the Halcyon. And what little there is ratioed heavily into the negative. This means one of two things.

  1. It’s so expensive people are putting it out their minds because it’s too unattainable. There was a lot more generalized buzz over the new Mach 1 Mustang than there was over the Ferrari Tributo for this very reason. Or…
  2. This is the one that has to have Disney scared if they have the sense to be scared. There is no buzz because all interest in Star Wars has died. No one cares anymore.

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