The Star Wars Hotel

The Star Wars Hotel

Dark Herald: Do you want to stay with your entire family locked in a building and sleeping altogether in a room the size of walk-in closet for three days and two nights?

Beloved Readers: Fuck no! What’s wrong with you?

DH (enticing lilt to his voice): But you get to LARP Star Wars the w-h-o-l-e  t-i-m-e…

BR: We’ve begged you to get your meds adjusted.

DH: I haven’t taken those in years. And what if I told you, you could do all that and more for the price of just $6000?

BR: $6000?! Oh boy!  You wait right here while we get our wallets and if nice men in white coats walk into the room just stay where you are.

Six thousand is the base cabin price, without bells and whistles. Here’s the chart.

There are two cabin sizes above that.

The Galaxy Class suite:

One-bedroom Galaxy Class Suites feature a living space complete with an integrated seating area and have all the comforts of Standard Cabins plus a double vanity bathroom, bar area, 2 windows with views out into space and a few extra Star Wars surprises.

Specifications:

Sleeps: 4 passengers

Room Configuration: queen bed and 2 wall pull-down beds for one adult each

The Grand Captain suite:

Two-bedroom Grand Captain’s Suites offer ample room for the whole family and feature a posh living space complete with an integrated seating area. They have all the comforts of Standard Cabins plus a main suite with a double vanity bathroom, a second bathroom with a single vanity, a bar area, 3 windows with views out into space and a few extra Star Wars surprises.

Specifications:

Sleeps: 8 passengers

Room Configuration: 2 queen beds, 2 berths (bunk beds) for one adult each and 2 wall pull-down beds for one adult each.

For reference, seven nights at Disney World’s premier resort, the Grand Floridian Hotel will run you $4,000.

I should also mention that this $6K price tag is for weeknights not weekends and only in the off-season

And I love the promise of a “window with a view out into space.”  Like there is anyone on Earth who isn’t going to figure out that this is a flat-screen TV.  Maybe the black of the starry infinite would look better on an OLED but I have never been more certain of anything in my life than I am of Bob Chapek not approving the expense of OLED portholes.

You do get to wear costumes which is kind of a big deal for Disney because they normally won’t let anyone do that unless it’s Halloween.  And as you already guessed, if you don’t have Jedi robes you can BUY them!

There is alien food in bowls, just like they have at Pandora, and you only have to pay Disney World prices for that bland fare.

Here is a link to the itinerary which I refuse to copy.

It is a list of the bullshit activities you will be pretending to do like;

Ship Orientation.

Sabacc Lessons.

(No lifeboat drill I see. I’m sure that’s against regulations.)

Dinner and show.

There are also strictly scheduled Unexpected Story Moments, where you can join a smuggling ring or hide a Resistance fighter from the First Order. Or any of the other stuff Disney was saying you would be able to do at Galaxy’s Edge but is now locked away behind a six-thousand-dollar paywall. And yes, you read that right.  They are still going to be using the utterly reviled Reyloverse as the background setting for your “adventures.”

Your second day there you are briefly paroled out to Galaxy’s Edge so you can spend money there for a change of pace.

Then dinner again and a space prom.

Third day is breakfast and get out.

Who the hell is this for?

I mean yes, I realize it’s for families with a $400K plus annual income. But who do they expect to come here?  

If this had existed when I was a little kid, I would have begged my parents day and night to take me (which would never have happened).  When my eldest wasn’t quite old enough for kindergarten she was a huge prequels fan (she refuses to admit such a thing now), so she would have been begging me to go.  

But there is no family audience for this thing now.

Even Kray-Kray Kay-Kay is on the record as stating that the new Star Wars films she was making would need to bring in a new generation of kids.  The Third Trilogy completely failed at that.  There are almost no little kids that are interested in Star Wars. Reylo poisoned that well.

This thing is going to flop worse than Superstar Limo.  The first two weeks to a month it will be huge and then it will drop off a cliff.  It’s too pricey, no one will want to repeat it and little kids don’t like Star Wars anymore.

I’ve rarely looked forward to something failing this much.

UPDATE: I am seeing very little organic, online buzz about the Halcyon. And what little there is ratioed heavily into the negative. This means one of two things.

  1. It’s so expensive people are putting it out their minds because it’s too unattainable. There was a lot more generalized buzz over the new Mach 1 Mustang than there was over the Ferrari Tributo for this very reason. Or…
  2. This is the one that has to have Disney scared if they have the sense to be scared. There is no buzz because all interest in Star Wars has died. No one cares anymore.

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Comments (29)

  • Moonglum Reply

    Cabins will have several extra Star Wars surprises? Such as a midget dressed in an Ewok suit springing out of a hidden trapdoor in the middle of the night? Or one of those one-eyed things pops out of the toilet bowl or bathtub while it’s in use?

    August 6, 2021 at 12:04 am
    • Seeker Reply

      Probably a guy who goes door to door peddling deathsticks and invitations to Lando’s pansexual fun-time lounge.

      August 6, 2021 at 12:26 am
  • Chris Lopes Reply

    The Galaxy’s Edge thing might be a fun (and expensive) way to spend some time, but the “locked in a pretend spaceship” thing is just plain stupid. At least on the real Disney cruise ships you have an actual cruise ship to hang out in, not some voluntary prison cell with a geeky theme. Who in bob’s name came up with this idea?

    August 6, 2021 at 12:18 am
    • The Dark Herald Reply

      It started life as something the Imagineers came up with for a Hogwarts immersive expieriance, back when Disney was negotiating with Rowling for the theme park rights. When the negotiations fell through, the plans got put on the shelf. The concept fits better with a couple of nights at a magic “boarding school.”

      August 6, 2021 at 1:06 am
      • Blume Reply

        O god would they cleaned house with that. Man whomever nixed that train idea and sent Rowling to Universal should be burned in effigy every year by the Bob’s.

        August 6, 2021 at 1:40 am
  • douglas Whiddon Reply

    I looked up “Superstar Limo”. Who, the hell, thought that sounded good?

    August 6, 2021 at 1:55 am
    • The Dark Herald Reply

      Eisner. Although in fairness, the original concept was a little better. You the rider, were supposed to be some superstar celebrity and your agent was sending you across town to get to a contract signing but you start getting chased by paparazzi, so your driver has to drive you all over Hollywood at high speed. Right before it was supposed to open, Princess Diana got killed in a car wreck while being chased by the paparazzi. So Disney had to tone it way down, which made it the dullest ride in the park.

      August 6, 2021 at 2:19 am
  • TroperA Reply

    If you haven’t already, i highly recommend browsing Admiral Mantoid’s rundown of the Galaxy’s Edge themepark on KiwiFarms, which includes pictures and prices of the overpriced, soy-laden fare, and opening week commentary. The posts begin on this page:

    https://kiwifarms.net/threads/star-wars-griefing-thread-the-rise-of-skywalker-spoilers.32492/page-500

    He mentions the Galaxy Hotel (still then in its planning stages) on this page:

    https://kiwifarms.net/threads/star-wars-griefing-thread-the-rise-of-skywalker-spoilers.32492/page-537

    It looked as though they were going to base it on Canto Bight from TLJ, but it looks like they changed their minds and are going with the Rebel Ship instead. It still looks like an overpriced slog.

    August 6, 2021 at 5:59 am
    • Talos Valcoran Reply

      How were you able to get your avatar to load? Haven’t been able to upload anything for my profile.

      August 6, 2021 at 11:36 am
  • Dane Reply

    Normies still worship the Devil Mouse?

    August 6, 2021 at 9:52 am
    • Ty Ping Reply

      Unfortunately, they do. I have some friends who just luuurrrvvv them some Disney. Even as I type they are all over social media about a trip to Disneyland with the kids/grandkids.

      August 7, 2021 at 6:03 pm
  • Robert w Reply

    I’m sure all the same musical score that once was compelling in the movies will be like chalkboard nails by the end of day one.

    There’s only so much Bith Jazz a family man can handle.

    August 6, 2021 at 11:13 am
  • Talos Valcoran Reply

    I’m waiting for the first personal injury lawsuit springing from one of those “Unexpected Story Moments” or one of those beds falling off a wall.

    August 6, 2021 at 11:35 am
  • HrJlmn Reply

    You will vacation in the pod, and you will eat the alien food…

    August 6, 2021 at 1:01 pm
  • Wazdaka Reply

    Taking your family to the cages at Mombasa sounds more appealing than this dross

    August 6, 2021 at 4:23 pm
  • Cloudbuster Reply

    From the video: White man married to black woman with one stunning & brave mystery meat girl child. Check.

    August 6, 2021 at 4:37 pm
    • Ty Ping Reply

      I noticed that too… It’s pretty blatantly in our faces.
      And it would have to be only only one kid, too– who could afford to pay for 3 or 4 kids to do this lame LARP?

      August 6, 2021 at 6:22 pm
    • Moonglum Reply

      In original canon, according to Lucas, Han Solo was married to a Wookie woman.

      August 7, 2021 at 12:19 pm
      • Ty Ping Reply

        Inter-species romances are tight!
        Barely a problem at all!
        😉

        August 7, 2021 at 6:05 pm
      • Moonglum Reply

        Given that bearded Lucas is in a relationship with a black woman I wonder whether the man in the advert for the Wars Hotel is meant to symbolize the creator. Even George would be wowed by this new Disney attraction. It’s what he’s been waiting for. Beverly Hills Cop III (1994) has a cameo appearance by Lucas (accompanied by a -white- woman) as a patron of a theme-park which Axel is investigating.

        August 7, 2021 at 6:25 pm
  • Max Barrage Reply

    oh look, an interracial couple. Pretty rare to see something like that. How refreshing.

    August 6, 2021 at 4:51 pm
  • Jennifer7084 Reply

    Eh, I know of a lot of childless Millennials who would pool their barista resources with their “friend-family” to do this.

    But you’re still correct that it will drop off and bomb massively.

    That’s my problem with Disney now. In my late teens and early 20s my friends and I had passes and we went every week. It was fun, we loved Disney for being Disney. It was for families and children and we enjoyed what it was.

    But after Eisner left Disney started catering to the SINKs and DINKs who have lots of dogs and cats but no kids. They started having alcohol available all over the park, the merch and events started being aimed at adults with spending money, not families and children.

    And that’s why I hate Disney now. Disney is for childless Millennials now.

    Good luck to them when that dead end generation…well…dies.

    August 6, 2021 at 6:36 pm
  • Sasha Hrongmitts Reply

    The trailer makes it look massively lame. I can’t wait for the lawsuits when overweight dorks collapse from having to do anything remotely aerobic in these “adventures”.

    I would love for DH to get to sit in on the meetings these retards have, so we can hear how these mediocrities operate.

    August 6, 2021 at 7:49 pm
  • Doc Reply

    Will the resistance accept an Aborigine wife and mulatto child? Asking for a friend….

    August 7, 2021 at 6:47 pm
  • SirFalterBrawley Reply

    I’m betting all of the food will be blue.

    August 9, 2021 at 1:02 am
  • jorgen b Reply

    Looks more like Star TREK.

    August 10, 2021 at 3:50 am

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