Monthly Archives - April 2021

Release the JJ Cut

I vote no.  Also, don't do it. Please! There is enough chatter on the web about this subject at the moment that I thought I needed to address it. The shill media is pretending that this Astroturf campaign by Bad Reboot is an actual thing.  As far as I can tell it started with a lengthy Reddit post. And it came from the offices of Bad Reboot. J.J. Abrams is first and foremost a politician. That is his primary talent set. His secondary talent...

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First Impressions: Joss Whedon’s The Nevers

B-O-O-O-R-R-R-E-D!!! That’s my first impression in a nutshell.  It’s incredibly boring. The Nevers is a new show on HBOmax that premiered this weekend.  And it’s Joss Whedon’s first since Dollhouse, eleven years ago.*  And this is absolutely a Joss Whedon show.  It’s got it all. Women beating up strong men?  You bet! Sassy comedic dialog? Of course! Vague sexual tension between all the women on the show? Naturally! Good looking women fighting in their underwear? What did you expect from a feminist?! Spidery, cold, creepy feeling as if you now have thin layer of...

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REPOST: The Dark Herald Does Not Recommend Enola Holmes

For reasons that will shortly become obvious, I need to get some articles written well in advance of their publication date on this blog. Which means you get to read a review from my old blog today. REPOST: There are two rules if you’re going to be playing in some other writers’ backyard. First, you have to respect the rules of the game they invented. Second, you need to clear the bloody rights. Both of which Enola Holmes failed to do.  The...

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The Wait is Over! We Now Know How Kathleen Kennedy is Going to Screw up Indiana Jones!

That’s right guys!  The feminist franchise killer herself Phobe Waller-Bridge is form of the destructor.   We weren’t sure how Kray-Kray Kay-Kay was going to fuck-up Indy but we were all knew in our hearts it was going to be something special.  In retrospect, we should have seen this one coming.  My gal Phoebe has been demolishing every franchise with a milliliter of testosterone in it for years.  In her devastating wake, Han Solo was left a bumbling man-child, Lando Calrissian was fucking a toaster....

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The Dark Herald’s Top 5 Asteroid Movies

For no reason whatsoever… …I have decided, completely out of the blue, to do an Asteroid movie listicle.   Planet Impact films are a subgenre of disaster flicks.   These stories have been around for a while.  Arguably H.G. Welles’ War of the Worlds was the first novel to use it as a device.  And while it occasionally showed up as a motif here and there, the genre didn’t really find its footing until the impact theory of dinosaur extinction became popularly known.  That was when people first...

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Blogs and Ends 4/7/21 – The Humpday Dump

We got trailers today.  They suck and we got’em.  FIRST  The Star Trek teasers.   I told you they sucked. CBS All Access has officially failed. You can tell that it failed because Paramount has now buckled down, took an unflinching at their many mistakes, then went back to square one. And gave the streaming service a much needed completely, completely… …different name. It’s now Paramount Plus.  So, as you can see it’s also a very original completely different name.  And they are repeating the same mistakes that they had...

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Disney’s Jungle Cruise Power of Woke (Part Two)

Ah, the Jungle.  Lushy greenery so thick you can’t see a foot beyond your eyes. The air is thick, hot, redolent, and sultry, it reeks of wet mold and rotted vegetation.  Anything that brushes up against your leg sends a spidery tingle of alarm over your entire body.  You don’t need to see the eyes to know that you are being watched, you can feel them all over you.  The sounds are…well believe or not they, are exactly what you heard in the...

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New Gods Film Canceled

The success of the Snyder Cut has come with an unexpected casualty. The cancelation of the New Gods movie for Warner Brothers.   They did put out a statement as to why but since it’s from Sarnoff and Hamada you know it has to be bullshit. The real reason New Gods got the axe was office politics.  Dark Sied, De Saad, and Granny Goodness were all prominently featured in Zach Snyder’s Justice League, as well the planet Apokolips itself. And Hamada and company have...

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Star Wars Introduces Non-Binary Trans Jedi Twins; Guest Post by Geode

The Dark Herald will be back tomorrow, today’s post is by our special guest blogger, Geode. I am going to kill my agent.  It’s going to be long, slow and intensely excruciating. I am going to quantum project him a thousand years into the past with special instructions to my younger self. How did I, Hollywood legend Geode, end up in something this utterly retarded?!?   I am nearly fourteen billion years old and in all that time I’ve never seen anything quite this...

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